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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Wednesday, June 26, 2002 Posted 9:37 AM
  First I missed the whole dotcom thing. Even though I've been online since 1982, I didn't get to cash in on any of what went down between 1997 and 2000. Many friends did. I had my chances. We'd talk about the schemes, how equity was king, how no one who was anyone worked for cash anymore... but I never figured out what they were selling... I'd say "but what's it do?" or "who would want that?" and they'd laugh and tell me I didn't understand startups. The idea was to sell it to someone else and let them figure it out. All those companies are now bankrupt, but it does seem that any number of people involved in them did quite well. My friend Faust and I sat around one night trying to come up with a dotcom for ourselves, but try as we might we couldn't think up an online business that made less sense than all the ones already out there. It seemed that whatever we came up with had already been done, or worse, would have provided a necessary good or service. (Certain disaster!) Now I'm missing out on the whole "misstated earnings/bankruptcy" thing. Global Crossing, PG&E, Enron, now Worldcom... the list goes on. I wish I understood how this one works, it looks like all the guys involved are making a killing. Am I supposed to lie about how much I made, or how much I spent or both? I called Arthur Anderson to find out, but he hung up on me. Friday, June 21, 2002 Posted 2:31 PM
from yesterday, Reuters, "...a maintenance worker who said he wanted to buy a replica ambulance for tool storage triggered an FBI warning in two states that terrorists might try to use emergency vehicles in an attack. After interviewing the man, the FBI found he had no such plan." [although he had to admit he 'wished he'd thought of it,' and said, 'it would be, Allah willing, a pretty cool thing to do.'] Today, from the AP, "The FBI is advising law enforcement agencies to be on the lookout for terrorists who possibly are plotting to use fuel tankers to attack Jewish neighborhoods and synagogues, a federal law enforcement official said Friday." As usual, there was no specific threat, and the warning was based on interviews with captured Al-Qaida and Taliban fighters. Are we talking about these poor fools who've been camping out in Guantanamo? Yeah, I'll bet they're still tapped in to the pulse of world terrorist organizations. Here they are, sitting around in the dirt, missing the World Cup finals, trying to keep themselves amused: "Hey, Ahmed, let's tell them we're going to blow up Disneyworld." "No, Mohammed, here's a better one, let's tell them we're going to put nerve gas in the Starbucks capuccino makers! Hey, pass that over here man..." "No, no wait... I got one... let's tell them we're going to put cyanide in all the Weed B Gone. Maybe they'll believe that one too! This terror warning business is getting on my nerves. Not that the threat of terror is making me anxious, although that perhaps is also true. But what I'm talking about are the mindless and incessant warnings that our government keeps putting out for us, like they're supposed to be helping anything: FBI warns of terror by fuel tanker trucks, FBI warns of dirty bomb, FBI warns of terror by stolen ambulance, FBI warns of terror by crop dusters, FBI warns of terror by apartment bombs... Gee, this is fun! I could make up Homeland Security warnings too: FBI warns of terror by evil Good Humor Men; FBI warns of terror by rabid bat infestation; FBI warns of terror by imposter Jehovah's Witnesses going door to door with exploding Watchtowers. FBI warns of terror by fake FBI warnings, FBI warns of terror with no warning... © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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