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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Thursday, August 01, 2002 Posted 11:37 AM
  This just in from our legal correspondents... three new class action suits have been filed: In Wanker v. Playboy, Enterprises, Penthouse Publications, and Hustler, Inc. the plaintiff seeks compensation for his carpal tunnel syndrome and various repetetive stress ailments, diminished vision and bad skin. He bases his claim on a "failure to warn" theory. Hendricks v. Hendricks, WonderBra Corp. and Victoria's Secret, Ltd., a husband vs. wife case involving the impleader of a maker and distributor of popular women's garments, seeks damages under the Lanham Act (false designation of origin of goods) and various state claims of false and deceptive advertising. Mr. Hendricks was quoted as saying, "Its laundry... all laundry, and that wasn't what I thought I was getting..." Finally in Alberts v. Boston Beer Company, BHC, Corp d/b/a Tony's Tap, and Anthony V. Ventiglia, the plaintiff Randolph Alberts seeks damages for negligent infliction of emotional distress, medical damages involving the surgical reattachment of his right forearm, and pain and suffering against the maker of the popular Sam Adams beer, a local Boston bar, and the bartender who served him. Alberts contends that the warnings on the bottles, eight of which he is alleged to have obtained at Tony’s from Ventiglia on the night of June 5th, were inadequate. The warnings were that one should not consume the beverage during pregnancy, that it could impair one’s ability to drive a car or operate machinery, and that it may cause health problems. According to reports, Alberts, upon completing his eighth “Sammy,” walked out of the establishment in the company of one Agnes R. Dixon of South Brookwood, described by regulars as a “skank” and a “real double-bagger.” Awaking in the early dawn hours of June 6th, Alberts alleges he was “horrified to find myself in [her] company,” and that he had to “chew off my own arm” in order to make his escape without waking her. Although referred to anecdotally by many as “beer goggles,” Alberts contends that he was unaware of the phenomena, and alleges that he should have been warned.
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