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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Thursday, July 31, 2003 Posted 10:04 AM
  Enough already! Tuesday, July 29, 2003 Posted 11:31 AM
I knew about duct tape being able to fix everything in the universe... ...but did you know that if duct tape doesn't work, as inconceivable as that may sound, WD-40 does. Monday, July 28, 2003 Posted 9:50 AM
G'bye Bob! So, Bob Hope has finally passed, at age 100. I'll never forget or forgive his hawkish support of the Viet Nam war and Richard Nixon. But most of all, I'll never forgive that he just wasn't funny. Good writers he hired, but I never thought he was a funny man. He now joins the recently departed Buddy Hackett in the pantheon of Guys I Never Really Got. Buddy was incredibly witty and ribald, and the voice characterizations he lent to many, many animations were priceless, but most of his routines were merely offensive. Good luck to you both, and I hope you can manage to get along with Sam Kinison and Andrew Dice Clay. (Oh, sorry... you'll have to wait for him. I just thought he was dead.) Meanwhile, over in the other part of Comedy Heaven: Hey Andy? Are you goofing on Elvis? Bill and Lenny, do you two get along? Monday, July 21, 2003 Posted 12:06 AM
Haiku I feed them freely Yet they shit upon my car Those feathered bastards Saturday, July 19, 2003 Posted 3:04 PM
Scooters of Newport Rocks! In a town where I have often been struck by the Stick it to the Tourist mentality of the locals, and where we used to rent our scooters at what we called the mean lady bike shop, (a/k/a Newport Wheels, and thank goodness she has been banished from the main drag!)Scooters, on Thames Street, right next to Newport Onshore & the Brown & Thomsen Marina, stands out not only as a great spot to rent bikes and scooters, but also a place to meet a couple of the nicest people around! Their bikes and scooters are first rate, but its their friendliness and flexibility that make them not only the choice for rental wheels while in town, but also earn them a special mention as just plain old good people - a very limited commodity on this planet, let alone Newport, Rhode Island! Thursday, July 10, 2003 Posted 12:09 PM
He should have gone after the Promotions Manager... JS Online: Infield foul: "The nightly sausage race, a popular feature at Milwaukee Brewers home games, took a bizarre, ugly turn Wednesday night at Miller Park that led to sheriff's deputies taking Pittsburgh Pirates first baseman Randall Simon from the park in handcuffs." What's wrong with just some peanuts and crackerjacks, a little organ music and a quiet summer night at the game? Racing sausages? Give me a break!  "A 19-year-old member of the 'Super Team,' the Brewers' on-field promotional group, was racing past the visitors' dugout wearing the giant Italian sausage costume when she was hit from behind by a bat Simon swung as he stood on the dugout's top step." Tuesday, July 01, 2003 Posted 7:30 AM
Me and all my bullshit? Nope, just reportin' the news. IN RE: HENRY F. OWENS [III]: S.J.C. Order (two year suspension). You know, like they say, Roll it and keep steppin'. Here are some of my favorite quotes, from Judge Greaney's findings and opinion, just in case you don't have time to read it all. Just to clarify for you non-legal eagles, "respondent" would be Henry F. Owens, III: "...the respondent made a series of false statements and misrepresentations..." "...respondent intentionally misled the court and opposing counsel..." ...[his] testimony was contradicted by other credible witnesses, by contemporaneous documentation, and by the respondent's own prior testimony..." "...The respondent's testimony was simply not credible." "...further evidence of dishonesty..." "This was dishonest, deceptive, and misleading conduct..." "...respondent’s conduct involved repeated instances of misrepresentations, some made under oath..." Hmm... after waiting damn near 16 years, I'd say this dish is cool enough to eat. And, yes, it tastes goooooood! oh, here's some more good reading about a bad guy: ATTORNEY [Henry F. Owens III] AND REAL ESTATE DEVELOPER AGREE TO PAY UNITED STATES $150,000 TO SETTLE CIVIL CHARGES RELATING TO DIVERSION OF FUNDS FROM ROXBURY HOUSING PROJECT © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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