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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Thursday, January 29, 2004 Posted 11:44 AM
  Boy, Lilly Pharmaceutical just miss it! Why the heck did they name their new erectile dysfunction drug "Cialis?" Its such a freakin' shame I could cry. They were oh-so close to perfect. They could have named it "Askalis." Dig it! Grace Slick as the spokesperson - she's the right age, the right demographic - sitting there in her chiffon and scarves, still trying to look more hot than burnt: "One pill makes you larger..." Posted 11:29 AM
Does "Hummer Owner" Really equal "***hole?" Is it just me, or does everyone think that anyone who owns a Hummer is a complete, self-absorbed, idiot? I mean, I don't begrudge them their money - they can drive a Jaguar, a Rolls, a Bentley - Hell I don't really care! It's just that whenever I see a Hummer, I immediately think "teeny weeny peeny." It's just something about that vehicle's complete ugliness, it's out-of-place-ness... like I have no problem with a Hummer in Afghanistan or Iraq (well, that would be leaving all political and philosophical problems aside...) but I think you get the picture. And where do you see these jerks? Trying to fit their 14 foot wide, 4 foot tall monstrosities into the Starbuck's parking lot, of course.And hey, what's the miles per gallon on that thing? Or is it measured in gallons per mile? Oh, I know it doesn't matter to you, lord knows, anyone who can spend $70,000 on an ugly tank isn't going to worry about a $250 per week gasoline bill. I was just think of the ecology, the economy, the message to the rest of the world, the homeless... Oh silly me, I forgot who I was talking to. Then again, at least it is an incredible display of excess wealth; much better than when the rich were in stealth mode; remember the 90's? When the richer you were, the more places you could go in a crummy sweatsuit and a beat-up baseball cap? Well, those times are over, my private banking friend. Now you once again have to flaunt it in a bizarre and obtrusive form. And the colors! Good lord, shades we haven't seen since the Lange Ski Boot company came to their senses. If you would buy such an expensive form of locomotion, why would you want it to be orange? Or maybe I forgot the point - I forgot that "ugly" is the new "pretty!" Is it comfortable inside? It looks like your kidneys would bleed if you took the thing over a railroad crossing. Does it fit in your garage? We've gone through all kinds of wealth-fashion fads: surgery scrubs, cellphones, the aforementioned sweatsuit era. How are we going to top Hummer? I've got it. Haz-mat wear. And farm vehicles! Rich people in orange and yellow vulcanized rubber suits, with latex seals around their wrists and necks! Yeah! On the teensy-weensy cellphone, on his way out of The Palm: "Yes, Henri - have Paulo bring the John Deere around." Thursday, January 22, 2004 Posted 12:00 PM
Holy Cow! Stop the Presses: a Musician has Marijuana! Yahoo! News - Art Garfunkel Charged With Having Pot Its bad enough that Paul Simon has almost as much money as Paul Allen, while his sidekick Art Garfunkel has about as much of a life as Art Carney. Is this the only way the guy can get in the newspaper? How much did he pay the driver to speed? Did he pat his pocket and wink at the cop? OK Art, you've proved your critics wrong: you can get arrested. What kind of bullet-head cop would arrest Art Garfunkel for holding a joint? Wednesday, January 21, 2004 Posted 12:18 PM
Boycott Sara Lee!!! Read this story, and tell me whether or not this sums up everything that is wrong with corporate America.Yahoo! News - Crooner Dean Says Sara Lee Dropped Him Sarah Lee fires Jimmy Dean as the spokesman for Jimmy Dean sausages? How can you do that? To me (and that means "to every American") Jimmy Dean is pure pork sausage. Hell, I didn't even know he was a "crooner." Is he the guy who sang Big John? (...big bad john...) Yes? No? Whatever - I didn't know that and still don't know it. What I do know is that Jimmy Dean is the guy who sells Jimmy Dean pure pork sausage. Go ask 10 people on the street who Jimmy Dean is, but don't count the died-young-left-a-beautiful-corpse-brooding-actor answers, and I think you won't even have any answers to count. But I think you know what I mean.
Wednesday, January 14, 2004 Posted 8:27 AM
Happy New Year, and !*&%@ it's cold I'm 46 1/2 and although I'm not the most worldly guy, I've seen a lot in my day. More than most, less than some - so its always refreshing to me when I experience something for the first time. It is -6.7°F outside my house today. That's not news. I refilled my window feeder this morning - the little winged devils have been going through seed like (your cliché here.) That's not news. I watched a blackcapped chickadee land on the feeder and take a seed. Regular occurrence. I saw steam come out of the bird's mouth! For me, that's new! © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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