A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page.

And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports

Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies:

Friday, July 15, 2005


Renquist says "I'd Rather Die With My Robe On"

U.S. Chief Justice William Rehnquist said on Thursday that he is not about to retire, despite widespread speculation about how much longer ailing health will allow him to remain on the nine-member Supreme Court. 'I want to put to rest the speculation and unfounded rumors of my imminent retirement,' Rehnquist, 80, who suffers from thyroid cancer, said in a statement issued by his family. 'I am not about to announce my retirement. I will continue to perform my duties as chief justice as long as my health permits,' he added."

But R&R Sources have learned that Renquist, who's first name has now been legally changed from Right Leaning William to Ailing Chief Justice was more frank with his friends and family. He was heard to mutter,

"... now that Flip-Flop Sandy up and quit on us, I don't feel quite so compelled to let that little moron replace me, too. Christ! I'd rather die in open court. Balance of power is one thing, but I do have some kind of legacy to protect..."

As usual, R&R's sources spoke on the condition of anonymity as well as with lingual muscles flexed firmly beneath the zygomatic arch. Trusting their reporting to be privileged under the First Amendment, at least until Bush does replace O'Connor, the R&R satff relies on their conscientious vetting and research – 1.25 times as strenuous as the Rather test – and stands by their story.

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