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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Monday, September 26, 2005 Posted 2:02 PM
  YATSASS: Airport Screening Unlikely To Stop Spread of Flu or SARS Here we have the potential for a lethal pandemic of Dark Ages proportion, and instead of dedicating every cent available to finding a vaccine or cure, we're doing studies to see if airport screeners could help prevent the spread of the disease. Now I know that doctors and scientists hate anecdotal evidence being used to support theories - but more and more I think that the reason they hate it is that these theories fall into two patently obvious categories, which are inexpensive and fairly easy to discern: A) Accurate and B) Bullshit. Now I know that we need a study before we use these two terms, and simply refer to these tales as Type A (Accurate) or Type B (Bullshit). Certainly, some observers might confuse Type A with Apocryphal, while Type B might be construed as Believable, so we'll need to do a sub-study on that, but people, go with me for now. An example of Type B would be Don't run around with that, you'll put your eye out. Clearly bullshit, as many people have run around with that and have not put their eyes out. An obvious Type A would be Airport screeners can't detect shit if they step in it. Every day, potential terrorists trot onto airliners, past airport screeners, while toting potential terrorist tools of ...terror. Knitting needles, flammable sneakers, toenail clippers all make it past these grade z government employees. For every Al Gore they strip to their skivviess, there's an Al Qaida hopping on a shuttle with a potentially lethal shoelace, or even ... gulp ...a delicious but extremely hot beverage! Now, we actually need to conduct a study to see if these turkeys can screen travelers for deadly illness? Yeah.. I can see it. First we need to check in with our photo ID: Have you packed this bag yourself? Has anyone sneezed on you in the last 24 hours. Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry a package for them, or bled from their eyes? Y'know... your nose don't look so red on your ID... You snifflin'? After that brutal 3rd degree, we move to stage two of our homeland security where we go through the X-Ray/Magnetometer: Hey, Shaniqua! C'meer... does that look like a suspicious amount of Kleenex in that bag? And then the pat down... What's this here in your pocket? Dristan? Or are you just happy to see me... © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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