A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page.

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Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies:

Posted 11:30 AM

Snack food giant Frito-Lays announced today, that as of this week, none of its snack food chips would function with dips other than Tostitos brand. Claiming that the distinctive Frito, Tostito, and Lays brand products were suffering a dilution of their trademark, and that consumers were not receiving the full gustatory experience that the company's flavor artists intended to deliver, special additives in the chips and dips will now cause all Frito-Lays brand chips to crumble to dust when inserted in any substance other than a Frito-Lays brand dip.

"This is a problem that we have wrestled with for years," said company spokesman Jack Spratt, "and now that we have developed an effective solution, we intend to protect our marks and brands vigorously."

While such a move is unprecedented in the food industry, Spratt pointed to the Music Industry, where such technology has become common place.

Not revealed by Spratt, but discovered by students at Upsalsa University Graduate School of Biology, is a further modification to the chip products. Reportedly, no individual chip may be dipped more than once, regardless of the dip brand. CRM, or Chips Rights Management has become a hot topic among snack food purveyors and consumers in recent years.

Taking the position that double dipping is a violation of their copyright, and that such practices were not only unsavory but also cutting sharply into sales, Spratt was unequivocal in his company's intent to move forward. "It has always been our position that if a customer wants a second stab at the dip, it requires the purchase of another chip license. We have never actually sold the chip to the customer in the first place," continued Spratt, "we've only licensed them a chip eating experience. As owners of the chip, we believe we are fully within our rights to determine how they are consumed."

Denying that high prices and lackluster development of new flavors had anything to do with flagging sales, Spratt sallied forth. "You think we're kidding about the expiration date, don't you?," he sputtered. "Just let me say this, I wouldn't keep 'em too close to the curtains after the date we stamp on the bag if I were you, if you know what I'm sayin'!"

As Hilary Rosen and Jack Valenti rose to their feet, stomping and whistling, Spratt revealed one last item on the snack food giant's master plan. Foam clearly visible at his mouth, he began to tremble as he squinted into the lights and hissed, "And all you guys who think it's your right to share a bag of our chips? I got three words for you: Napster! Grokster! MP3.com!"

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