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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Tuesday, April 23, 2002 Posted 9:07 AM
  So Rebecca, my third grader, hasn't been putting enough effort into her homework lately, and this morning I said to her, "From now on, I'm charging you 10¢ for every time you ask for help when you don't really need it." She had actually left blanks on questions like, "What month is your birthday?" She looks back at me with this face and says "10 cents!" I don't know whether she thinks this is a lot, a little or just crazy. I say "Yeah, ten cents." She folds her arms across her chest and stares at me, "How 'bout five." I blow coffee through my nose and start to choke. Amy is giggling in the next room. Rebecca doesn't think this is funny at all. I tell Amy, "Boy, she is your daughter." I tell Rebecca that its not a negotiation. We continue to review the homework, and every so often I'm called upon for help. I'm getting 7 1/2 cents. Saturday, April 20, 2002 Posted 3:50 PM
I really, really wonder: Why do Volvo drivers drive like that? Would I drive a Volvo like that if I drove a Volvo? Or do only they ever drive them? Tuesday, April 16, 2002 Posted 9:05 AM
Seen on a T-Shirt yesterday: Video games do not have any effect on kids! If they did, all those pac-man fiends from years ago would be running around, munching candy in darkened rooms, listening to repetitive music. Sunday, April 14, 2002 Posted 4:52 PM
Ten Reasons Why Youth Baseball is Better than Dance Classes: 1. Sixty Dollars upfront, gets the kids a practice per week and sixteen games. 2. You don't pay extra for the uniform. 3. The socks only cost another couple dollars. 4. You don't pay extra if the kids want to play in the games, not just the practices. 5. You don't pay extra if you want to see your kid play in the games. 6. Your kid can wear the same uniform for the whole game. 7. Your kid can wear the same shoes for the whole game. 8. You can video tape the game if you want to. 9. Your kid can wear their hair any way they like. 10. Baseball players don't expect flowers at the end of every game. Friday, April 12, 2002 Posted 2:34 PM
Re: Cardinal (Above the) Law: Fine! If he won't resign, let's arrest him. Of course, if he does resign, let's arrest him Wednesday, April 03, 2002 Posted 1:17 PM
If anyone knows the fax number for this US District Court of Eastern Missouri, one Stephen Limbaugh, I'd love it if you would send it to me, spread it around to everyone you know. He seems to think that there is a constitutional right to send unsolicited faxes, and ruled so earlier this week. I think that harnessing the power of the Internet to exercise our first amendment rights is a noble cause. Let's all send Judge Stephen Limbaugh some unsolicited advertisements. First one I'll send him will be for cheap fax paper and cartridges. I hope he'll being needing lots of that. Posted 9:14 AM
Things I really didn't need to know: Boston Globe, 4/3/02: Ozzy Osbourne takes Viagra. Hmm... can't wait for the Elton John Preparation-H commercials. Posted 8:48 AM
I live just a few blocks from my daughter's school. The speed limit on the local streets is 20 mph, which, given their narrowness and proximity to the school, is reasonable. But every morning there's a Momster Truck Rally, with Suburbans, Explorers and Caravans barrelling down the middle of the street at oh, say, 35, 40 mph. They're competing with scooters, bikes, roller blades and families with strollers and dogs. But these ladies need their off road vehicles, because that's where they park when they reach the end of the street - off the road and on the lawn of the local neighborhood. Absolutely unbelievable! Up over the tree curb and onto the sidewalk - often times obstructing it to the extent that the kids who walk to school have to walk across the neighbor's lawn, or worse, out into the street into the middle of SUV mayhem. But my favorite part is the drive home: me in my Accord doing 20, with a line of 4WDs behind me, in an odd sort of traffic jam. Then, when we reach the end of the road, with a left or right option and no stop sign, I slowly cruise through. In my rear view mirror I see each of these morons stop, in succession, at the imaginary traffic sign, and then accelerate like jack rabbits, right back to the edge of my bumper. This, yet another reason, why I like all dogs better than most people. Tuesday, April 02, 2002 Posted 12:55 PM
DETROIT (Reuters) - A Michigan court has overturned the conviction of a man dubbed the "cussing canoeist," ruling an obscure 105-year-old state law barring swearing in front of women and children unconstitutional. The case involved Timothy Boomer, a Detroit-area computer programmer who was charged with the crime while on an August 1998 canoeing trip in Arenac County, about 125 miles north of Detroit. Prosecutors said Boomer yelled the "f-word" as many as 75 times after he fell out of his canoe on the remote Rifle River, within earshot of a 5-year-old boy and a 2-year-old girl. The case attracted national attention, pitting free speech advocates against supporters of stronger curbs on offensive language. Boomer was found guilty after a district court judge refused to dismiss the case, arguing there was a compelling community interest in "protecting the morality of our children." But the Michigan Court of Appeals on Monday said the law making it a misdemeanor crime to "use any indecent, immoral, obscene, vulgar or insulting language in the presence or hearing of any woman or child" was too vague. "Allowing a prosecution where one utters 'insulting' language could possibly subject a vast percentage of the populace to a misdemeanor conviction," the three judges wrote in their unanimous opinion. Holy SH*t! Finally a decision that makes some F&^%$ing Sense! © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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