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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Wednesday, January 25, 2006 Posted 7:13 AM
  Maybe He Needs the Money? How does he offend me? Let me count the ways...
Saturday, January 21, 2006 Posted 12:49 AM
His prerogative?
Yeah, that's the ticket, Bobby is finally cutting that dead weight loose. In other news, the New York Stock Exchange told friends that it thought prices were too high, and it was planning to cut the Dow Jones average by a couple hundred points, Heather Graham told friends that she only planned on doing one episode of Emily's Reasons Why Not, and the producers of West Wing mentioned that they were thinking of giving network TV the heave ho. Friday, January 20, 2006 Posted 12:27 PM
YATSASS: Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks Actually, that's my conclusion. The scientists in Copenhagen seem to think that Wine drinkers choose healthier foods. Of course, what can you expect from researchers working in a town named after chewing tobacco? Here, you read, you conclude:
I'd tend to agree with you, Mort. That is if I stopped reading your report before I got to the end. See, when I got to the end, I found this, which, I might remind you, Mort, was written by you, Mort:
So, doesn't that really tell us ( you and me, Mort) what this study really said? I know that it makes sense, but please, Mort, don't let that stop you... could it be that educated, healthy lean people eat healthy food, and that, and I am refering to your report here, less healthy men who drink alot eat more crap? Posted 8:53 AM
What are YOU looking at? Hats off to Google for having the stones to stand behind their famous Do No Evil motto. While Yahoo, MSN and countless other gutless geeks have handed over their database records to the Feds just cuz they asked, Google has stood up and said, No. Make me. You may not be aware of this, and thank Google it's been brought to your attention now, the White House (actually, the moron who lives in it) issued a subpoena last summer demanding a list of all terms that were searched during one week - tens of millions of searches, and a list of one million randomly selected web addresses. Now, this demand is not only obnoxious and noxious, but also over reaching, inappropriate and probably illegal. And I'm not just talking EFF/ACLU, I'm talking private enterprise, big business and Big Brother. Here's why: Let's look at the second part first - kind of a W way of doing things anyhow - the million randomly selected web pages. Can't the White House just do this itself? Stupid question come to think of it. This is the same White House that needed to have someone to load up W's iPod for him. But, heck, after that trained Internet professional finished that 6 minute job, couldn't he have surfed a million sites for the Prez with the remaining 39 hours and 54 minutes in his government job work week? But, in all seriousness, aren't those million web sites, to the extent that Google, or for that matter MSN, Yahoo, you or I have them, proprietary intellectual property? If the White House wanted to know more about commuting, could they subpoena a million cars from General Motors? Or, more on the point, if the White House wanted a million random phone numbers, could they make AT&T provide them, or should they just get out the phone book? Why should a private enterprise be forced by law to provide their goods to the governmment? On to the first part: while the White House says it isn't yet (yet added by me) seeking data that ties personal information to the search requests, that doesn't mean they won't eventually. I know that holocaust analogies are trite, if not offensive, but that notwithstanding we must observe that the Nazi's didn't start out by exterminating Jews. First identify, next assemble and transport... step by step, inch by inch... got it? Next thing you know, they'll be listening to our private phone calls and scanning our emails...say what?... they what? ... you don't say! (well, you better not say on the phone, I guess So, until some judge somewhere sides with all things decent, I have a favor to ask from all freedom loving, privacy cherishing, private enterprise supporting people everywhere: could you please, please, please, click one or more of the buttons below? America thanks you. Thursday, January 19, 2006 Posted 8:03 PM
YATSASS: Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying This just in from YATSASS, Department of the Obvious:
Yessiree folks, Dr. Stephen Sheinkopf of Brown Medical School in Rhode Island must have been so afraid of perishing that he found the wherewithal to publish one of the most unremarkable findings in recent memory. He actually determined that mothers who think their babies are difficult, will expect them to be difficult in the future and will be stressed out about it...
This was also true of blue-eyed, green-eyed and brown eyed babies, and of moms of all cup sizes. It also would appear that the mothers' choice of orange juice style [lots of pulp, little pulp, or no pulp] had no effect on their perceived levels of stress. It may be a bold extrapolation (but, really, what other kinds are there?) however I'd venture to guess that shoe size, dominant hand, and choice of pronunciation of the words 'tomato' [ t&-'mA-tO and t&-'mä-tO] and 'often' ['o-f&n and 'of-t&n] also had no bearing on the outcome, although the word 'potato' [p&-'tA-tO, p&-'tA-t&, b&-'tA-tO, b&-'dA-tO, b&-'dA-d&] may be significant. Or it may not.
This is darned near YATSASS perfection. Here we have a call for yet another stupid study, and a qualified conclusion rolled in to one. I think what Dr. Dave was trying to say was Get Help? Tuesday, January 17, 2006 Posted 9:37 PM
Tourette's case shows holes in disability law? No, I don't think this case shows holes in the law. In fact, as long as this law does not apply to this case, it shows a tad of common sense, in an otherwise bleak landscape of stupid federal acts. If the Americans With Disabilities Act did protect the right to whoop and curse in a movie theater I'd begin to wonder if your freedom to extend your arm really does still end at the tip of my nose. Let's take a look, shall we? A thirteen year old kid goes to a movie theater in New Hampshire, on the day after Christmas, to see The Chronicles of Narnia. Now, given the time and date, I'd have to believe there were a whole bunch of families there, all excited to see and hear the story of the lion, witch and wardrobe. But this kid suffers from Tourette's Syndrome; she whoops and curses uncontrollably at times. This particular time was most inopportune as many of the theater's paying patrons complained to the management that someone was screaming and swearing and the titles hadn't even finished running on the screen. The theater manager took this poor kid out to the lobby where they spoke, and, according to the manager, the kid decided to leave - she was not told she had to. But, what if she had been told to shut up or get out? Isn't that what everyone in America is supposed to do in a movie theater, whether they have a disability or not? Nope! Not according to the ADA - in fact, it would appear that had the kid screamed and cursed just a little more, she could have had a nice fat judgment against the theater, instead of just a rain-check for a private screening.
Friday, January 13, 2006 Posted 12:23 PM
Alitosis Main Entry: Alitosis Pronunciation: &-lÈ-tO-s&s Function: noun Etymology: New Latin, from Latin halitus breath, from halare to breathe : a condition of fetid stench, hanging in the air at the Senate Judiciary Comittee Hearings into the nomination of Judge Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court of the United States, as a result of hyperventilation by Democrats and Republicans alike. More at Bork Breath. Condition may be treatable with Sca-listerine Wednesday, January 11, 2006 Posted 10:03 PM
YATSASS: Kenneth, you're all wet. But in the afternoon I'll be alert... Hats off to Kenneth Wright of the University of Colorado at Boulder. He has managed to waste his time and our money studying groggy and hazy people. His conclusion: it is worse to be groggy upon awakening than it is to be groggy from lack of sleep. Praise the lord - finally an answer to the question that's been...hmm... keeping me awake at night. No, wait, dammit... now that I can get to sleep it's going to be worse, according to the study:
Very interesting... but shtoopid! as Arte Johnson used to say.
I wonder if that befuddled feeling can be diminished with, oh, say, maybe... coffee? Would Starbucks be willing to spring for me to do a study? [see, I'm catching on to that private enterprise funding thing...]
Perhaps, but I think not, unless we are all to remain in our sleep deprived or just awakened states in perpetuity. But, even though I've not yet asked 16 people, and have received no funding, I think I can pretty safely assume that a person who has just awakened will not be in that state for very long, whereas a person who is deprived of sleep will remain that way and worse, unless and until they do sleep. Which of course will then, somewhat alchemically, transform them from sleep deprived to awakening.
Huh? Wha? Hey-turn-out-that-light! Oh, uh... I'm OK now... So really Mr. Wright, if I understand what you're telling me, is that if I am to receive an injection from a doctor, it would be better to get one from a resident on the tail end of a double, than from a doctor who just got out of bed. Right? But what happens if I wait 3 minutes? The doctor is 3 minutes more awake, and the resident is 3 minutes more sleep deprived. Heavy! What if they both have a cup of joe? Man! This is deep! Ken Wright! Here's mud in yer eye. The first YATSASS of 2006 Tuesday, January 10, 2006 Posted 9:52 AM
I'm Pretty Sure They Meant "Grayscale" For reasons irrelevent to this, I found myself at the Reading Public Schools' web site, where I found a link to a document describing a Martin Luther King Day celebration. Name of the document:
Dunno, seemed kind of ironic to me. Saturday, January 07, 2006 Posted 1:12 PM
I LOVE Pat Robertson As long as this guy lives, no one can ever properly accuse me of saying the most outrageous, pigheaded, narrow minded, bigoted, stupid, outlandish, wrong headed, imbecillic, provocative, race baiting, self serving, or downright dumbest thing ever. No matter what I say or do, Pat will top me. Almost daily. Do you realize that Pat Robertson is God's punishment to America for being such a lazy, intolerant, self indulgent and self righteous nation? Sunday, January 01, 2006 Posted 12:16 AM
Happy New Year - Dick Clark's Creepy New Year's Eve Happy New Year. I've had a bottle of cheap champagne, so forgive me if the following is offensive or insensitive; then again holy effin' cow - that resolution didn't even last a minute! Was that Dick Clark thing tonight creepy or what? I mean, let's take a look at reality: most people younger than I am don't even know who the hell the guy is: go ahead, ask them; he's the host of TV's Bloopers or he's the really old New Year's Ball drop dude. To most people older than I am, he's the devil incarnate - the man who brought Satan's music to America. Whatever happened to Rosemary Clooney and Guy Lombardo? Now all we have is hip shaking, frugging, watusiing, and worse. To most people my age and slightly older, he's the guy who put his name on Chuck Berry's songs, put Philadelphia on the map, and until recently, must have had a portrait of himself in an attic somewhere where looked like he was about a billion years old. Because he is, about, a billion years old. It was always my generation's joke that Dick Clark never aged. Band Stand, Pyramid, Bloopers, New Years, whatever... Dick Clark never aged. He always looked great. He was always... Dick Clark. Well, this year, he did not. And I don't mean to be cruel... I'm just completely freaked out. I had heard he'd suffered a stroke. I had recently heard that Regis was going to do the ball drop instead of the Teflon Dick, and had to admit that I was a bit disappointed when I heard that bit of news. But, seeing Dick did nothing to make my New Year's Eve rockin'. He slurred. He stuttered. He sputtered. Sh*t! I thought he was Harry Caray! Did he really want to be there? Did he know he was there? It was like watching Muhamad Ali at the SLC Olympics... just exactly why did someone feel the need to wheel him out, yet again? Clark and Ali. Once icons; once counter culture heroes; once guys on the edge... but now... going the way of all flesh. Is this what we need on New Year's Eve? The kids don't know who he was. The elders never liked who he was. We, in the middle... the boomers... always had mixed emotions. Yeah we liked him - and we hated him. The more we truly loved rock and roll the more we loved AND hated him. But did anyone need to see him tonight? I don't think so. It made me feel a lot older than I am. It made the older people feel really old. And it just plain old creeped out the kids. Can we make a resolution that for New Year's Rockin Eve 2007 we will not see Dick Clark (or Ryan Seacrest?) [p.s. The Bangles still look and sound awesome. Susanna still has that eye thing going on. Made me feel young again. Did you catch the FMP's on Hilary Duff? Good lord, I really feel old now.] © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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