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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Tuesday, October 29, 2002 Posted 11:04 AM
  My nomination for TV Network desperate hyperbole attempt of the year:
Uglier? Friday, October 25, 2002 Posted 3:14 PM
My good friend Senator John Kerry called this afternoon, to encourage me to vote for Shannon O'Brien for governor of Massachusetts. He said he thought that this was a very important election. When I tried to tell him that I thought so too, he just kept on talking. I asked him what he thought about the whole Iraq thing, but he just kept on talking. I asked him how Teresa was, but he just kept going on and on and on. I asked him if he knew just how intrusive and annoying pre-recorded telephone messages are. He didn't miss a beat. Just kept going on about Shannon this and Mitt that, I guess I'll have to vote for Jill Stein. What a rude guy that Kerry was. Thursday, October 24, 2002 Posted 2:24 PM
From the "No doubt, they meant well, but..." Department: Someone left a brown paper bag of halloween candy on our doorstep the other day, with a note signed by the Halloween Phantom attached. The note said something about making five more bags and putting them on five other people's doors, and sharing the spirit of the Halloween Phantom Uh, yeah. Like, Right, as my daughter might say. This is still a small town, and maybe I'm just a little paranoid, but is this the day and age where we accept and eat from anonymous packages left at the doorstep? Is it a good idea to encourage a child to prepare and leave anonymous packages at other peoples' houses? Hmm... let's see, we won't drink milk that we pick up at the grocery store unless there are two unbroken seals on it. We don't open mail from strangers anymore. We walk with our kids on Halloween, make sure they only visit houses where we know the residents, and still throw out the candy that is not securely wrapped. The spirit of the Halloween Phantom? NOT! Friday, October 18, 2002 Posted 10:06 AM
Re: Macworld returnes to Boston; Apple Pulls Out: Remember what I said several months ago, about it being time for an intervention on Steve Jobs? I think I was right, then, and I stand by the statement today. How can a company with hardware so nice, be s-o-o-o sh%tty to their customers? Friday, October 11, 2002 Posted 8:34 AM
It was nice to see how the New England Patriots all embraced Robert Edwards, the former Patriot rookie sensation who is now a running back for the Dolphins. It's a miracle that the man can even walk after having dislocated his knee a few years ago during a tag football game prior to the Pro Bowl. His former team mates were happy to see him back in the game, even if it was in another uniform. I hope many of the Patriots defense embrace Terry Glenn, the former Patriot rookie sensation, this weekend. Glenn is now a wide receiver for the Green Bay Packers. It's a miracle that she could even find a team interested in hiring her sorry ass after the lackluster efforts and string of civil and criminal complaints she generated in New England for the last several years. After they "embrace him, I hope they turn him upside down and stick his drug addled, migrained head right into the turf. This sorry loser actually had the nerve to imply that he contributed to the Pat's Super Bowl victory, and was disappointed that he did not receive a ring. Here's hoping he gets plenty of "rings" all day on Sunday. Thursday, October 10, 2002 Posted 10:38 AM
By no means am I making light of the tragic situation in the DC area. That said, did you see Chief Moose on the news last night? He was upset (rightfully so) that the news media had learned, through an internal police department leak, of the Tarot card, message and shell casing found near the scene of the most recent shooting. More than that, though, he was outraged (wrongfully so) that once the media had learned of these things, they went ahead and published the reports. Eyes wild, nostrils flaring, just about spitting as he shouted that if the "media thought they could do a better job solving the crime than the police could, they should tell him, so the police could stop and let the media do it" or something very much to that effect. The pain and stress on this man is enormous, and it is showing. Finding no fault with his handling of the matter up until last night, and knowing that my own cracks would have begun to show even earlier, I suggest that the chief have a glass of warm milk, a couple Lorna Doones, and a nice long nap. Seriously. Saturday, October 05, 2002 Posted 10:25 PM
So the Red Sox finish second in all of major league baseball, in team batting average, and they fire their hitting coach, Dwight Evans. Yep, makes perfect sense to me. That is, for the Red Sox. New owners, same old losers Thursday, October 03, 2002 Posted 2:35 PM
Maybe someone already said this, but I haven't seen it written... The thing about Martha Stewart and her inside trading, as far as I'm concerned, isn't that she was doing the inside trading. Its the amount. They keep talking about her 4,000 shares, and that she sold them when they hit $60 per share. Let's do the math: sixty times four thousand equlas how much ? Two hundred forty thousand? Before the hard times hit her, Martha's net personal worth was estimated to be $650,000,000 by Forbes Magazine. So um, let's see, what percentage of Martha Stewart's worth would $240,000 be? Let's divide 240,000 by 650,000,000. Mingya! By my calculations, that would be .036%! Now, the median American household net worth is somewhere around $50,000. If the median American household cheated on a transaction worth .036% of their worth, they'd be cheating on an item worth $18.46 Somewhere, somehow how, I have to have done the math wrong. I mean, we can't be throwing the book at this gal for scamming what looks like $20 to her, can we? And it wasn't even like she was going to lose the whole $20! Like imClone is still worth $7.25 a share! This reminds me of the game I like to play with friends, whenever they start to spend too much time complaining about how the wealthy spend their money. I say to them "OK, you are driving down an interstate highway at 75 miles an hour, and a dollar bill blows out of your window. Will you pull over, back up and go get it?" Everyone says "No." Well, almost everyone... So then I say, how about a 5? a ten? a $20? At twenty it starts to get dicey. "Is there a lot of traffic?" they ask. "Yes, lot's. You're getting passed on both sides." How about a $50? "Is it sunny out?" a $100? A five hundred dollar bill? It's always fun to see where they'd pull over. Then I say, "OK, so now Bill Gates is driving down the road... where do you think he'd turn back?" So now we change the question to, for how much money would you violate federal laws and risk serious fines and imprisonment? Martha'd do it for twenty bucks! © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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