|
A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
|
Thursday, March 31, 2005 Posted 10:45 AM
  Schiavo Dies 13 Days After Tube Removed PINELLAS PARK, Fla.(AP)
Thank God. Rest in peace, Terri. I hope you never had a hint of what was going on around you. Now, can everyone please shut up? Tuesday, March 29, 2005 Posted 7:36 PM
If you get cancer in your head, you gonna be dead... LOS ANGELES (Reuters)
Bye Johnny. Maybe you were a good guy. Maybe every criminal defendant is entitled to the best representation money can buy. You got a killer acquitted. You knew it. Bob Shapiro had the balls to withdraw. Not you. I hoped you packed your summer suit; I hear it's warm where you're going. Thursday, March 24, 2005 Posted 3:35 PM
Paula Abdul in a Hit and Run? Straight Up, Bro! Has no one else remembered or mentioned the lyrics to this person's first big MTV breakthrough?
Posted 1:50 PM
Blind Man & Guide Dog Refused Bus Service: Right or Wrong? The Fung Wah Bus Company of Boston has come under fire today, after it was disclosed that a blind man, accompanied by his certified seeing-eye canine companion, or guide dog, was refused service on the company's Boston to New York run. Although he informed the driver that federal law allowed for guide dogs to accompany their owners on public transportation, the driver refused to allow him to board, and left. The man was forced to complete his travel by Amtrack, at a cost 10 times that of a Fung Wah ticket. Sunday, March 20, 2005 Posted 2:29 PM
CAR DEVELOPER JOHN DELOREAN DIES AT 80 ... so now his car is not the only thing with wings. Did he cop to the coke caper on his death bed? Friday, March 18, 2005 Posted 1:01 PM
Nightmare of the Living Dead Congress To Subpoena Terri Schiavo: WASHINGTON (Reuters)
This simply gets more and more macabre as time rolls on. Without any disrespect to Terri Schiavo, her husband or her parents, we are now faced with the theoretical spectacle of the brain dead questioning the brain dead Quoting from The New York Times:
One would expect that this is merely yet another political abuse of power, intended to circumvent state and federal court decisions and keep Schiavo alive until at least March 28, when the hearing is scheduled to be held. And, so, in light of that, is it in terribly poor taste to make up some albeit lame Congressional Inquiry specifically not Terri Schiavo jokes? I hope not, because here goes: Q: What is the difference between Dennis Hastert and Terri Schiavo? Q: Why is Tom DeLay issuing a supoena to Terri Schiavo? Q: What is the difference between Terri Schiavo and Thomas M. Davis III? Q: What is the difference between Congress and Terri Schiavo? Thursday, March 17, 2005 Posted 10:09 AM
YATSASS: Malt Liquor Drink of Homeless and Unemployed WASHINGTON (Reuters):
So, Ricky, you found that poor people in dire straits tend to buy the cheapest, largest, most potent form of alcohol they can find? Once again, I'm more surprised than Inspector Renault at Ric's. Never would I have guessed. Congratulations to the whole team at the Charles R. Drew University of Medicine and Science. for the latest source of a real YATSASS. In case you guys wanna go for two, may I suggest another study? I've always wondered if the homeless and unemployed wear more 'found' clothing than the rest of humanity, if they eat as much paté, and whether or not they have as many massages or bubblebaths. Can you spend some time and money finding those answers, instead of cures for AIDS, Lou Gehrig's Disease or Asthma? Thanks. Appreciate It. Posted 9:55 AM
Uh? Duh! Boys Who Think They Know Condoms May Not Use Them NEW YORK (Reuters Health):
Just my speculatin', but I'd guess that holds true for all males, not just boys. Wouldn't you say that the more you know about condoms the less you like them? Monday, March 14, 2005 Posted 8:39 PM
New Animal Species Discovered! No longer myth nor legend! Ordinarily when I'm cut off on the highway by a reckless driver, I'm not a happy guy. With age, I flip less fingers and simply mutter more, but this morning, when the car flew past me, and cut me off, crossing two lanes and exceeding 70 mph in morning traffic, at first I was startled, but then I smiled, then giggled, and then laughed out loud. He jammed on his brakes, almost causing an accident as he swerved off of Rt. 95 onto 93 South. As I followed him around the cloverleaf, he crawled right up the butt of the driver in front of him, and before he was even up to the lane merge, he was zigging across the rumble strip, cutting across another 3 lanes, gunning it into the left-most lane and climbing into the next guy's rectum. Why was I happy? Today, March 14, 2005 was a special day, for I have discovered a new breed. Since I've discovered it, I lay claim to naming it: Phaethontis volvoriae exlegis falkensis The guy was driving a volvo wagon! But don't get your hopes up if you too have always hoped you would encounter the legendary Reckless or Speedy Volvo Driver. I've been searching for more than 30 years, and this is the first one I've been able to positively identify. But rest assured, he is out there - no longer in the company of Chupacabra, Nessie and Sasquatch - but probably in Georgia by now at the rate he was moving, or maybe just in a south shore jail, waiting to make bail. Happy hunting. Friday, March 11, 2005 Posted 8:34 PM
YATSASS: Dr. Ann H. Partridge - Perhaps Publish AND Perish is Appropriate Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions
Great! I never would have guessed. I mean, I guess I just always thought they would. Silly me, there was a study to be done. Congratulations Dr. Partridge, you've earned the first new YATSASS award in quite some time. Now here's a topic for your next study: Do The People Studied in the Study on People Wanting the Results of Studies Want That Study's Results? Consider well, Dr., that handled carefully, this subject could just be a life annuity. Please let us know the results. Oh, no! Wait! I didn't say that! You need to figure out whether or not we really want to know, right? Posted 4:52 PM
Maybe the Crimson Should Look in a Mirror? Maybe there's more to the story than's been told, or maybe I'm just a simple Harvard Liberal Arts graduate without sufficient chops in Soc Sci., but I don't understand how a student run maid service Dormaid is a problem for anyone. Harvard in Lather Over Campus Maid Service
said the Harvard Crimson in an editorial yesterday. But this conclusion, not founded on much, if any, fact neglects several: Then there's the Finals Clubs: hoity-toity, snotty little Frat Houses where only Cabots, Lodges and Saltonstalls of the male persuasion find comfort. Or the Pi Eta where only those who's hat size equals their neck size are welcomed as members? And what about Harvard Student Agencies itself? Does it not employ Harvard students to wash bed linens and clean bathrooms? So here we have a problem if a student wants to hire someone to clean up after him? Maybe I missed it. Do the Dormaids have to wear a Kick Me, I'm Poor T Shirt? Or are these students being taken by press gangs in the dark of night, forced to vacuum for the posh instead of studying? Do they publicly proclaim to refuse employment to all but the indigent? Or did Dormaids simply refuse to take an advertisement in the Harvard Crimson? Mostly, though, I'd like to know who at that rag has decided that earning some cash by cleaning is somehow a disgraceful or shameful job during college? This from a publication who's former editors and writers have gone on to real, permanent jobs at The National Enquirer, and law school among other places. Wednesday, March 09, 2005 Posted 6:22 PM
March of the Rolling Igloos How many New Englanders were subjected to the March of the Rolling Igloos today? March, as in "It's freakin' March already and I've had all that I can take and I'm not going to scrape this anymore!" Rolling Igloo as, ostensibly, an automobile whose roof, hood, trunk, back and front bumpers, all lights and all glass, except for a fogged up, fist-sized hole on the left front, which is thought to be conducted by an albeit unseen and unseeable human whose presence is presumed, at a maximum of 3.75 miles per hour down the main drag of your town here, in the middle of morning rush hour. It should be legal to shoot bullets through that freakin' fogged-up fist sized hole. Sadly, the reality is that if one were to shoot out these freakin' morons, at the end of the day you be taken away, dead, or in chains, to a prison or a looney bin, when what ought to happen is that the governor should proclaim a day in your honor and humbly request that next month you might dispatch those drivers who keep a turn signal engaged for the greater of 1/2 mile or 45 seconds without turning. Alas, the innovators and prophets are doomed to martyrdom. I mentioned this to a friend who was on his way to see The Recut Passion. He mentioned that Jesus did not murder the masses, he fed them. "Friend," I said, "you miss my point. I also want to feed them, and see them eat, lead!" [Disclaimer: Some time ago, a real schmuck (not his real name) actually brought charges against me (not my real name), claiming that I incited violence and mayhem against him and threatened the same, by suggesting that he be dope-slapped for doing something utterly and entirely dopeslap-worthy. Since this is a land and we are a people who do incredibly stupid things that were never meant to be done, and then blame others, I hereby go on record and attest and swear that the opinion conveyed by the words appearing above is merely opinion, and does not suggest or recommend that you (not your real name) or anyone else under your supervision or control, do or not do anything that you would otherwise have done or not done had you not read the above. Do not under any circumstance take any action against any person or property, living or dead, real or imagined at what you may think is my behest. It surely is not. What's more, if you do, you do so entirely at your own risk, and so help me, if I find out about it, you will get one helluva dopeslap when I getta hold of you.] © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
...with other readers:Subscribe by E-mail |
![[Powered by Blogger]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_ssmSrvUUZ_EmtQfk1LdT8YodDqvrUZVN9-myQnuzhpwbBioZg5LO6zkGfGGJfWxu5kJ0uXlDwyava9gCpscGCpMWfZoyalpDL6uDGU1nH9=s0-d){kind=small}
