|
A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
|
Wednesday, September 28, 2005 Posted 2:22 PM
  Somehow, 72 Virgins seems more like punishment... First Iraqi woman bomber kills 5
Maybe martyrettes get 27 experienced guys, or something... I dunno, just doesn't seem fair. Posted 2:15 PM
Sure, there's birth defects, but you won't be that bummed... Glaxo adds birth defect caution to Paxil label
Paxil was first approved for use in the US in 1992. Monday, September 26, 2005 Posted 2:02 PM
YATSASS: Airport Screening Unlikely To Stop Spread of Flu or SARS Here we have the potential for a lethal pandemic of Dark Ages proportion, and instead of dedicating every cent available to finding a vaccine or cure, we're doing studies to see if airport screeners could help prevent the spread of the disease. Now I know that doctors and scientists hate anecdotal evidence being used to support theories - but more and more I think that the reason they hate it is that these theories fall into two patently obvious categories, which are inexpensive and fairly easy to discern: A) Accurate and B) Bullshit. Now I know that we need a study before we use these two terms, and simply refer to these tales as Type A (Accurate) or Type B (Bullshit). Certainly, some observers might confuse Type A with Apocryphal, while Type B might be construed as Believable, so we'll need to do a sub-study on that, but people, go with me for now. An example of Type B would be Don't run around with that, you'll put your eye out. Clearly bullshit, as many people have run around with that and have not put their eyes out. An obvious Type A would be Airport screeners can't detect shit if they step in it. Every day, potential terrorists trot onto airliners, past airport screeners, while toting potential terrorist tools of ...terror. Knitting needles, flammable sneakers, toenail clippers all make it past these grade z government employees. For every Al Gore they strip to their skivviess, there's an Al Qaida hopping on a shuttle with a potentially lethal shoelace, or even ... gulp ...a delicious but extremely hot beverage! Now, we actually need to conduct a study to see if these turkeys can screen travelers for deadly illness? Yeah.. I can see it. First we need to check in with our photo ID: Have you packed this bag yourself? Has anyone sneezed on you in the last 24 hours. Has anyone unknown to you asked you to carry a package for them, or bled from their eyes? Y'know... your nose don't look so red on your ID... You snifflin'? After that brutal 3rd degree, we move to stage two of our homeland security where we go through the X-Ray/Magnetometer: Hey, Shaniqua! C'meer... does that look like a suspicious amount of Kleenex in that bag? And then the pat down... What's this here in your pocket? Dristan? Or are you just happy to see me... Wednesday, September 21, 2005 Posted 4:00 PM
YATSASS: US medical research spending rises, results lag
Oh, c,mon Dr. Moses! Don't be so negative! We know that beer goggles are real, that fat kids feel badly when teased... why, we even know that new mothers get resentful when thir husbands sleep through the babies' crying. Research shows that subjects of research like to know the results of the research, and we know that drinking highly sugared beverages contributes to obesity. We've learned lots more. Just look over to the left where all the YATSASSes are listed, just below this one, which cost how much?? Tuesday, September 20, 2005 Posted 12:48 PM
YATSASS: Kids Imitate Their Parents! Here we go again. Another study that will leave loyal readers scratching their heads for so many reasons. Did Rob make this up? Where did Rob find this? Why is Rob writing about this? Why am I reading this? Dear friends, the answers are right here, at hand: I swear I didn't make this up. The one time I tried to make one up, I found that a genuine study had already been done. I found it right there in my Reuters briefing on health news; you know, the place where I hope to read about genuine earthshaking biomedical advancement: AIDS cures, SARS vaccines, low cost effective cures for male pattern baldness – that kind of stuff. Why am I writing about it? Same reason you're reading it ... We're cynical bastards, or bored as hell, or both; you choose.
I'm so glad to find out that actual doctors and scientists have determined that the apple falls not far from the tree. Congratulations to Dr. Madeline A. Dalton at Dartmouth College for this finding that sets behavioral science right on its ear. Friday, September 16, 2005 Posted 8:24 AM
Now Here is Some Fair and Balanced News Reporting  It would seem that Sky News of Ireland did run this caption, as part of its Katrina coverage. Some say it is a paraphrased Dubya quotation about the storm... others have their doubts. Tuesday, September 13, 2005 Posted 10:00 AM
YATSSAS: Daily stress may stop breast cancer I love this one, I truly do. It contains every element of a genuine certified YATSASS: (1) publication is a respected journal, (2) lengthy expensive study (3) non-conclusive speculation, (4) findings that, even if true, have no useful application, and (5) call for further study. Ya gotta love it:
Couldn't it be that these hyper broads just don't have time for this shit? Thursday, September 08, 2005 Posted 10:25 AM
Rod Stewart Ordered to Pay for Vegas Show If only life and the legal system were always this simple. After Rod Stewart took a 2 million dollar deposit in January of 2000, for a December 2000 concert, then didn't play the concert, AND didn't return the money, the promoter sued him. The promoter won.
Really, the only problem here is that it took two freakin' weeks of testimony, and that was followed by an entire three hours of deliberation. Wednesday, September 07, 2005 Posted 1:44 PM
YATSASS: Making Fun of Fat Kids Depresses Them
It's been a while since we've had a YATSASS Report of any kind, so it is with true pride and bemusement that I present the above. As a formerly fat former child who was formerly ridiculed for aforesaid fatness, and abandoning the rubric for this column where your humble scribe spews forth whatever is on his mind at the moment it is on his mind, I took a moment to reflect on the situation. I stopped, and pondered the enormity of this finding and its effect on mankind. After a respectable amount of cogitation and reflection I say No DUH!. Whether or not the results of this ground breaking study can be extrapolated to ugly zit faced kids and depression, or big eared loser kids with depression, or skinny little twerp spazzoid kids and depression or, going out on a limb here (but hey, what the heck are limbs for if you can't go out on 'em) maybe even hooked nosed curly haired cheap-ass little Hebe kids and depression. Here's to you Dr. Dick, who'd have ever figured that kids feel better when you don't make fun of them? It once again proves that although anecdotal evidence is often correct, it never hurts to spend government funds to prove the obvious. Next up on Dr. Dickie's docket, a new study: Limbs and their Purposes: If Not For Going Out On, Then What? Where do these guys get their ideas for these studies? © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
...with other readers:Subscribe by E-mail |
![[Powered by Blogger]](https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/blogger_img_proxy/AEn0k_ssmSrvUUZ_EmtQfk1LdT8YodDqvrUZVN9-myQnuzhpwbBioZg5LO6zkGfGGJfWxu5kJ0uXlDwyava9gCpscGCpMWfZoyalpDL6uDGU1nH9=s0-d){kind=small}
