A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page.

And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports

Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies:

Posted 1:33 PM

For reasons unknown and unknowable, November 30th has been named Computer Security Day. Your ace reporter has it on good authority that Hallmark has nothing to do with it, although he is not so sure about the hands that Symantec, MacAfee, and Computer Associates might have in it.

Despite what the PC World may have to say about Apple Computer enthusiasts having their heads stuck in the sand (or other places unmentionable) the fact is, Macintosh users need not be at all worried about their computers' security.

How can I be so sure? Just look at all the studies: what is the fundamental building block of security? Unconditonal Love.

And as long as we Mac Users continue to shower that unconditional love on all things Macintosh and Apple, we will never have to be concerned about our computers' security. And that smug Wintel crowd thinks we don't know about computing. Let's see if they can get eunuchs to work in their computers!

Posted 1:11 PM

What do they put in the water in Hollywood? How can so many beautiful but empty people can jump on the wrong band wagon at the wrong time, each time? What did finally end it for Nick and Jessica?

Remember the whole Free Mumia thing? I don't know about you, but I read voluminous and detailed material regarding that saint, and, quite frankly, pinko pansy bedwetter that I am, I couldn't see why Mumia should be freed. It looked to me like he did it. It certainly did not look like there was enough evidence to overturn what appeared to be a perfectly good trial.

So we've got Tookie in the spotlight now.. Great guy. Didn't just kill people. Founded the Crips for chrysaches! Yo! See, dude don't be just some kinda jive-ass Man, dude also be a member! Founded the freakin' CRIPS! Which, as I understand it, is kind of like founding the Mafia, Hells Angels, Al Qaeda, or... Kool and the Gang. We're talking about a ruthless organization that has brought misery and death to tens of thousands of innocent people. It's kind of hard to overlook that when we tally up the score here. Once you discount the usual suspects, you know, the anti-death penalty loons who protest against software that has executables [Archbishop Desmond Tutu], and the other Crips [Snoop Dogg], I don't see too many great minds of our time speaking out for ol' Took.

I'd like to see a list of people who have repeatedly had their name submitted for a Nobel peace or literature prize. I'll bet there's some real howlers in there.

But back to Hollywood and politics... I guess I'm not really saying that primping movie stars and strutting rock stars should stay out of public social and political debate. Bono and Bob Geldoff, among a small group of others, stand out as people who have put their money where their mouths are, by taking stands on issues above or beyond debate, like being against starvation. But Tookie? He is a murderer. He is the founder of one of the most vile organizations in the history of the planet. He was found fit to die by a jury of his peers. And, hey, doesn't everyone except Gary Gilmore find God, or Allah, or The Light or something on death row?

Hollywood needs to look inside itself and stick to causes closer to home. Or perhaps I should say Holmes. Where is the outrage? Where are the stars speaking out for those who can't speak for themselves. Sooner or later they're going to come for you, and if you don't speak out now, who's going to be left to help you when they do?

FREE KATIE HOLMES! FREE KATIE HOLMES! NO CRUISE CONTROL! FREE KATIE HOLMES!

Posted 11:22 AM

I know this is not really pertinent to sleep apnea in infants, but that's what I felt like going off on after reading this:

I guess, after carefully wedging my infant into the preferred sleep position of the minute, only to find it was the deadly sleep position of the next minute, and so on and so on, I've come to the conclusion that all researchers should stop studying sleep positions for children, and just let them sleep the way they have, with pretty good results, since about, oh, I don't know, the Paleocene Era?

Posted 11:32 AM

Believe it or not, this finding [memo to Stockholm: keep your eyes on these guys] is part of a 46 year study of some people in Framingham, Massachusetts.

First off, what makes these guys think that they can apply these findings to the rest of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, let alone the nation, or the world? Well, that answer is easy, the study has been done, so many times and in so many ways, that the evidence itself has become Type A.

So here's my suggestion. When a study is conducted that examines a subject that could easily be resolved by looking merely at Type A evidence (exercise good, couch potato bad. More exercise better) and that that evidence is in fact not simply rooted in anecdote, but borne out by previous studies, what we have, is a study that investigates what I propose we call Type AA evidence.

This type of anecdote, rather than simply having become an old wives' tale or a proverb as a result of thousands of years of lay observation, is one that has come into being as a result of lengthy and expensive scientific study, the conclusions of which have been widely accepted by those dumb and ignorant townsfolk. In other words, the evidence is anecdotal, but the anecdote is not based on uneducated observation of random events, but because the good people read and accepted the last 42 studies that concluded the same thing.

What should we do with people who investigate and study matters that are already part of the Type AA lexicon?

I think the answer lies in the definition itself. These sods should attend 30 AA meetings in 30 days, and make amends to Framingham, and the rest of the world for wasting all this time and money. Then they'll have only 10 more steps to sobriety...

Posted 11:30 AM

Snack food giant Frito-Lays announced today, that as of this week, none of its snack food chips would function with dips other than Tostitos brand. Claiming that the distinctive Frito, Tostito, and Lays brand products were suffering a dilution of their trademark, and that consumers were not receiving the full gustatory experience that the company's flavor artists intended to deliver, special additives in the chips and dips will now cause all Frito-Lays brand chips to crumble to dust when inserted in any substance other than a Frito-Lays brand dip.

"This is a problem that we have wrestled with for years," said company spokesman Jack Spratt, "and now that we have developed an effective solution, we intend to protect our marks and brands vigorously."

While such a move is unprecedented in the food industry, Spratt pointed to the Music Industry, where such technology has become common place.

Not revealed by Spratt, but discovered by students at Upsalsa University Graduate School of Biology, is a further modification to the chip products. Reportedly, no individual chip may be dipped more than once, regardless of the dip brand. CRM, or Chips Rights Management has become a hot topic among snack food purveyors and consumers in recent years.

Taking the position that double dipping is a violation of their copyright, and that such practices were not only unsavory but also cutting sharply into sales, Spratt was unequivocal in his company's intent to move forward. "It has always been our position that if a customer wants a second stab at the dip, it requires the purchase of another chip license. We have never actually sold the chip to the customer in the first place," continued Spratt, "we've only licensed them a chip eating experience. As owners of the chip, we believe we are fully within our rights to determine how they are consumed."

Denying that high prices and lackluster development of new flavors had anything to do with flagging sales, Spratt sallied forth. "You think we're kidding about the expiration date, don't you?," he sputtered. "Just let me say this, I wouldn't keep 'em too close to the curtains after the date we stamp on the bag if I were you, if you know what I'm sayin'!"

As Hilary Rosen and Jack Valenti rose to their feet, stomping and whistling, Spratt revealed one last item on the snack food giant's master plan. Foam clearly visible at his mouth, he began to tremble as he squinted into the lights and hissed, "And all you guys who think it's your right to share a bag of our chips? I got three words for you: Napster! Grokster! MP3.com!"

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