A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page.

And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports

Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies:

Posted 10:28 AM

Dale, just start over from the beginning... how does this help you? Isn't this just like a video game? No, wait, isn't this really a video game?

Dude! How do you know your hunt was unsuccessful? How do you know if your hunt was successful? Like, do you see a video of a deer bleeding to death? Do they send you the carcass? And you know it is the carcass of the deer you shot because...?

This is either a very funny prank that's got those deer-huggin' granola eaters on the left coast all worked up over nuthin,' or it is one of the most sick and twisted uses of technology ever to emanate from a place other than the Pentagon.

If it is the former, except for the false advertising claims they're gonna get buried in, cool!

If it's the latter, there's some very real potential. But, heck leave the 4-point bucks and elephants alone. That just ain't PC. But link us up to a site in the Afghani Tora Bora's, or a Baghdad rooftop, and you are talkin' elephant bucks.

Posted 6:32 PM

... or chasing little boys or buying drugs. C'mon cut the guy some slack.

Posted 8:32 PM

I'm glad to see that the taxpayers' money is put to good use. Ol' W. can't download in his free time - or during lunch - like the rest of us. We need to pay someone to do that for him. Or is it more likely that Georgie can't download?

Then again, maybe Mr. Gottesman is using Gnutella like the rest of the universe, and pocketing the cash?

Nah - but keeping a straw man between our prez and the internets is probably a good thing, for two reason's: I don't like the idea of Bush even getting used to pushing buttons, and I guess it gives him some plausible deniability in case Mitch Bainwol and the RIAA start lobbing subpoenas at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue!

Posted 6:41 PM

I saw Siegfried and Roy perform at their theater in the Mirage Hotel in Las Vegas, back in 1995. I've got to say I don't disagree with Mr. Ford, just with his methods. I don't know if it was the custom written by Michael Jackson theme song, the weirdly snug-fitting body suits, the faces stretched tighter than Ralph Nader's election fund, the Teutonic accents, or what... maybe the girls in pasties and G-strings were out of place. Heck, it could have just been the wholeVegas thing... for all the magic and illusion, those two guys, plain and simple, gave me the creeps. They may not be all, the sole cause of the world's state, but they're certainly closer to the problem than the solution.

And don't go saying this is some kind of anti-Germanic, homophobic, plastic surgery hating, Michael Jackson bashing screed... It's really more about Sigfried and Roy themselves... and Mr. Ford will back me up on that when they let him out.

Posted 7:25 PM

Now there's tribute for you. I hear that formerBaretta star Robert Blake and former New York Nets center Jayson Williams were also spotted in the crowd, even though they had never met or been represented by him.

Said Blake, "He was one of the greatest. I mean, I am very grateful to Mr. Mesereau for getting me out on bail, and Mr. Schwartzbach for getting me off, but now there's one less cat around who can spring you for good."

Added Williams, "Yeah, Bob, I hear you man. I mean, I owe alot to Billy Martin, of course I paid him alot too. But he couldn't bust a rhyme like Mr. Cochrane; with that 'glove don't fit 'n shit.. you know what I'm sayin'?"

Sean Puff Daddy/P. Diddy Combs nodded in agreement. "He came and he saved my life. Because of him I get to see my kids, I get to see my mother and I get to make music and be here with you all today. That's a whole lot better than Shyne got, and he didn't do shit. But he didn't have Johnny."

Todd Bridges was equally effusive in his praise, "Like without Johnny, man, I never coulda stabbed my roomate. I woulda been doin' time for shootin' Tex."

Michael Jackson summed it up, "I just wish he'd been well enough to get me off again, this time. Back in 1994 he kept the whole thing out of criminal court. What a great, great man. Sure, I paid him and the boy quite a lot of money, but that's a lot better than going to jail! I bought him a nice big bottle of Jesus Juice as a thank you."

Posted 8:13 AM

In related news, Master P will now go by Mr. Urine, and Silk the Shocker has changed his alias to Rayon the Mildly Disturbing.

There are also unconfirmed reports that, in the growing trend toward milder monikers tracing back to the landmark Puff Daddy to P. Diddy transformation, Snoop Doggie Dog is considering a change to Inquisitive Puppy Pup. Fifty (newswire pronunciation guide: fitty ) Cent will now be known as Tu Quarters (newswire pronunciation guide: kwah-tuhs).

Physician's Assistant Dre, who has, in recent interviews vigorously denied attending medical school, and The Pleasant Diversion, formerly known as The Game, could not be reached for comment, however a publicist for Mr. Dre. denied rumours that N.W.A.'s ground breaking album Efilforzaggin, is being repackaged as Emitgnolaforsnaciremanacirfa.

Posted 12:25 PM

Just Kidding. Lighten up, It's April Fool's Day. This is political/social satire. I'm sad for Mike. I'm sad for the Schindler's. I'm sad for Terri. I'm sad for Pope JP and hope he recovers and lives well 'til he's 103.

So, the joke's in poor taste.

Heck, sue me. I've been sued over less.

Posted 10:09 AM

I got the news on my cell phone last night, but couldn't confirm it until today. I was hoping against hope that it was some sort of sick or twisted April Fool's Day prank, but it's not.

I did not know Mitch Hedberg; I never saw him perform in person. But from the first time I heard him, on his albums All Together Now and Strategic Grill Locations, I had hoped I'd have the chance to see him. This was a man who had many, many more laughs to give, more smiles to put on the world's face, more bizarre observations to make people think.

For that last gift alone, I treasured Mitch the most. He was special. Unlike Dennis Miller, who smugly aims over the head of Yao Ming, or Jay Leno, who's observations (if you can call them observations and if you can call them his) all boil down to Michael Jackson is a child Molester, Robert Blake killed his wife, so did O.J., and on a really on night, George W. Bush is stupid. Instead, Mitch looked at all aspects of life from askew. Statements that would at first sound absurd, somehow made sense, and things that sounded like they were rational turned out to be insane.

As a guy who would rather not have to run and jump to catch the punchline, or be hit with it way below the belt, I found the humor of Mitch Hedberg to hit the spot.

Now, I'll never be able to smoke fake pot with him. Maybe I should grab some real pot and find a guy who looks like him.

[Just joking - actually it's a take on, and tribute to, one of Mitch's]

Good bye Mitch. Say Hi to Lenny, Bill & Andy.

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