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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Friday, October 28, 2005 Posted 3:14 PM
  Taking Candy From Babies and Crap from PC-Idiots Congratulations to Principal David Castelline of the Underwood Elementary School in Newton Massachusetts. Although there are still a full 9 weeks to go in 2005, I'm going to stick my neck out and give you the 2005 Jellyfish Award for being both the most spineless and most gutless person to make the news in 2005. You managed to edge out Dennis Brown director of the C.D. Hylton High School Marching Band by just a micron or two of your gelatinous outer membrane. You actually cancelled Halloween to appease some selfish whining yuppies! According to a WCVB TV-5 newsreport:
First, Mr. Castelline, what, if anything, were you thinking? Second, what, if anything, were you thinking? Even if one were to agree with your decision [and that would be hypothetically only] why did you wait until now? If parents only raised this issue in recent days, wouldn't a response of "Give me an effin' break!" been appropriate? OK, probably not. But couldn't you have said something like, "This day of crafts and activities related to Autumn, and a widely loved childrens' holiday, that dates back scores of years has been a tradition here at Underwood since 19XX. While I appreciate your concerns, they have been voiced too late in this year's schedule for us to change our plans. Naturally, if you are uncomfortable with the day's plan, we will understand if you choose to keep your child home." Then, at a later date, after pretending to have given due consideration, couldn't you have gotten back to those nitwits and said, "Give me an effin' break?" Hey, I'm Jewish. I don't exactly love that the "Winter Choral Concert" features Deck The Halls and Adeste Fidelis, but I've never seen the need to make a literal Federal Case out of it. At least we did away with Away in a Manger So, here we go, down the slippery slope: "Hey, I'm [Jewish, Muslim, Vegan]... No more playing football with a pigskin Saturday, October 22, 2005 Posted 11:50 AM
Environmental Haiku #2 Cozumel drift dive Shapes and colors astounding. Why am I in tree? Posted 11:49 AM
Patience Haiku #1 Help the butterfly To emerge from the cocoon? No, that is not help. Friday, October 21, 2005 Posted 11:37 AM
Maybe it should just say "Do Not Take This Drug If You Are Alone" Health News Article | Reuters.com:
'nuff said. Posted 11:30 AM
YATSASS: Walking The Dog is Good Exercise! Daily dog walks work off the pounds People! Sometimes my job is just too easy, but hey! I'm not complaining:
Congratulations to Rebecca Johnson at the College of Veterinary Medicine's Research Center for Human-Animal Interaction at the University of Missouri-Columbia. Oh, not for discovering that walking a couple of miles a day might be good for you, but for getting funding for a FIFTY (50) WEEK STUDY!(!!!) There were numerous valuable conclusions drawn from this ground breaking work:
Gosh, and not only that! The study also shows that the more someone does walk, the more they can walk! Sadly however, 50 weeks was not enough to answer many of the other burning questions surrounding this issue: What about walking alone? Walking with other people? Walking a cat? I mean cats can walk, but can you walk a cat? Ms. Johnson! We need more answers! Tuesday, October 18, 2005 Posted 5:13 PM
And Herewith Follows a List of other Banned Band Songs... 'Devil' Cast Out of Pr. William Some people just don't know how to have a good time, and some people have too much time on their hands. But enough about me... Apparently, the C.D. Hylton High School Marching Band, an invitee to play at the Atlanta, Georgia based Peach Bowl, has had to change its prepared set list. Earlier this month, a letter to the editor of the Potomac News took issue with the outfit, a governmentally funded high school playing the Grammy® Award winning song The Devil Went Down To Georgia because it would be a violation of the First Amendment's imperative to keep church (Devil) and state (high school marching band) separate. Proving that us jocks and those freaks were right, and that Bandos are gutless geeks, head bando Dennis Brown, pulled the song from the set list. So far, only the United States Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit, has found this to be a reasonable reaction, having previously stricken God from the Pledge of Allegiance. (Unconfirmed scuttlebut around the court has it that the justices are hard at work trying to remove the supreme being from money, lobbying for legislation that would replace the bible upon which witnesses are asked to swear before taking the stand be replaced with a used copy of The Davinci Code, and changing the bailiff's imprecation at the start of every court session from God save the [your state or commonwealth here] and these great United States to It's all good. But, in fact it's not all good. Much of it is bad, and a usurpation of our rights as a free and democratic people. In order to reclaim some of that freedom and democracy, here, with a tip of the hat to Dennis Brown, Jason Joy, James Wingate, Joseph I. Breen, and Geoffrey M. Shurlock is a list of other compositions which shall no longer be publicly performed at or near governmentally funded assemblies, including but not limited to sock hops, dances, so-called "mixers" and/or proms:
*my list, my rules... Posted 10:46 AM
Environmental Haiku #1 Teva tan remains Yet snow falls in New Hampshire Damned global warming Friday, October 14, 2005 Posted 8:00 AM
YATSASS: Excercise Helps Keep You Trim and Fit Oh, I hope they spent a lot of time and money on this one:
OK, Doc... lemmee get if I got this straight; excercise good, fat bad. Did I get it right? I keep mixing them up. Congratulations Dr. Cris Slentz at Duke University. You've conducted a YATSASS® that proves what I think we call a Type A Theory. Posted 7:52 AM
Turkey sees no major health threat due to bird flu ... however Thanksgiving looms ominously, just over the horizon, with no relief in sight. Turkey says, "Eat more beef." The headline above, was actually published. Sorry, but someone at Reuters is seriously asleep at the editor's desk, or as sick as I am. Posted 7:47 AM
I Prefer the Title Immunity Booster Rooster Experts call for creating US bird flu czar
Czar is so dark ages ago. Then again, so were pandemics, we thought... Posted 7:36 AM
Why Don't They Go to Their Superdome... Weather promises more misery for Pakistan survivors ...or their Convention Center? I guess it's too much like the hold of a slaveship... oh, no, wait... they don't have those, never did, and if they did, I guess they would be rubble too. Hey Jesse, it was the best they could do at the time, know what I'm sayin'? Everything's relative, bro. Be thankful you weren't there when it happened, and that you had safe transportation, water and shelter when you got there. And stop sniping. There's plenty of time for that, after all of the world's inequality and bad luck is taken care of, right? Thursday, October 06, 2005 Posted 2:11 PM
Tom Cruise Knows The History of Obstetrics... And baby will make 3 for Tom, Katie By Donna Freydkin, USA TODAY
Interviewed separately, Mr. Cruise jumped up and down on a couch screaming, "I love this fetus, I love this fetus." Saturday, October 01, 2005 Posted 12:40 PM
Jorge Posada: What up wit dat?
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