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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Sunday, September 26, 2004 Posted 1:15 PM
  Big, BIG News at Rants & Raves! Now you can receive an email as soon as I have uttered or exclaimed. You may find this feature to be entertaining, or highly annoying, but its probably worth giving it a try, especially if you visit here occasionally and mean to come back more often, don't speak with me as much as we would both like, or just want to read some inane ramblings in the middle of your otherwise oh-so-boring life. Just send an email to rantandrave-subscribe@topica.com and the wonders of science and technology should handle all of the rest seamlessly, smoothly, and almost invisibly. And I have some property in Florida that I think you'd love to buy... Posted 11:44 AM
Well, at least She Knows What She's Doing... Elisabeth Kubler Ross dies 8/24/2004 Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, psychiatrist and prolific author of the ground- breaking book, On Death and Dying, died Tuesday evening, August 24, 2004... With the passing of so many cool people in August and September, I guess I just missed this one, the grand-mammy-jammy of all kinds of invitations to all kinds of sick jokes and discussion of whether irony is properly used in any of the discussions about the event of her passing.
On a tangential note, I did read On Death and Dying. It was good... but I didn't like the ending... Posted 11:13 AM
Nit picking, I Know, but... Could we all please stop calling them ATM Machines? Doesn't everyone know that abbreviation, includes all: Automated Teller Machine? Listen, I'm not a language curmudgeon like Edwin Newman, I'm willing to compromise: We can call them ATM Machines, but then we need to have SUV Vehicles, USB Busses, The CIA Agency, and CD Disks. Like I said, nit picking, but just one thing that bugs me from time to time. Gotta go now, someone is IM Messaging me. Friday, September 24, 2004 Posted 9:59 AM
Coincidence? I Think Not! For the second morning in a row, a tractor trailer has jack-knifed and rolled over, snarling morning rush hour traffic on the Massachusetts Turnpike. Today, the accident has closed the connection between the 'Pike and Route 128, causing tremendous backups on 2 of the city's 3 major arteries. Interestingly enough, a second truck rollover has happened today, on I-84 in Sturbridge, just a couple miles past the Mass Pike exit, virtually shutting down any and all traffic between Boston and New York City. Yesterday, a truck rolled on Rt. 128, near Route 2, causing traffic delays for more than 3 hours. One rollover yesterday, Two today... the International arch-villain, criminal mastermind and terrorist formerly known as Cat Stevens was deported from Logan Airport in Boston yesterday. Can we expect 3 rollovers on Monday? Stop the carnage! Let the Cat out of the bag! Posted 6:49 AM
...and then Hitler came out of the bedroom carrying a champagne bottle, wearing nothing but panties... Wal-Mart Agrees Not to Sell Anti-Semitic Tract It's great that The Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion will no longer be sold by Wal-Mart. (Just what were they thinking when they decided to offer up, without any warning or disclaimer, an anti-semitic screed that alleges a Jewish plot to take over the world which had been debunked years ago?) But, all this aside, I am quite troubled by the content of a letter sent to Wal-Mart, written by Rabbi Cooper of the Simon Wiesenthal Center. Why would Reb Cooper ever want to suggest that Hitler was Jewish and persecuted? This forgery, first penned by members of the Czarist secret police, the Okhrana, has been used by tyrants throughout the last 100 years to justify the persecution of Jews, including Adolf Hitler...
Thursday, September 23, 2004 Posted 7:28 PM
Can You Feel the F^*%&n' Love Tonight, you vile pig? Elton John Calls Taiwan Media 'Rude, Vile Pigs' Notwithstanding the validity of his position, Queen Elton had an absolute hissy-fit last night, when - get this - photographers and television crews had the chutzpah to try to take pictures of the internationally famous singer as he disembarked from an airliner, enroute to a public concert. Somehow, had they busted into his boudoir he might have been more reasonable in his reaction, but Sir Reg had already played concerts in Shanghai and Hong Kong, and was due due perform in Taiwan tonight. Would he have been more happy had no one showed up and no one cared? As another Limey once said, "There's only one thing worst than being hounded by the rude vile pigs of the press, and that is not..." Maybe the Evian was not at perfect room temperature in first class? Then again, Mr. Dwight didn't actually pen any of the lyrics to any of his songs. That has always been left to Bernie Taupin. Maybe Elton is just a rude, vile, bitter and bitchy old queen? Wednesday, September 22, 2004 Posted 11:45 PM
Send Ashcroft to Gitmo, deport Dubya... How in the name of Allah can they deny entry to the United States to Yusuf Islam a/k/a Cat "Peace Train" Stevens? Was it necessary to actually divert the flight? Why no entry yesterday, after he was in the US in May (opening a US branch of his international relief charity)and last February to address the United Nations. The Artist Formerly Known as Cat has frequently spoken out against violence, condemned the 9/11 attacks, and has been recognized world-wide as a humanitarian. Ironically, despite the needless suffering they have caused, Michael Bolton, Lars Ulrich and all the members of Rush, remain free to travel the world unrestricted. Monday, September 20, 2004 Posted 8:49 AM
The End of Her World... Not meaning to be callous, and somewhat saddened by the news of her passing to the Grand Ol' Opry in the Sky, I just found it so grimly ironic that Skeeter Davis's greatest hit, at least in terms of the earliest of pop/country crossovers (no big deal in these Garth/Faith/Shania days), was The End Of The World. Knowing next to nothing of her life, and unable to name another single song that she popularized, I still take off my hat and bow my head to her: I've known her name since I was a little kid, just for that one, simple melancholy masterpiece. RIP Mary Frances Penick 9/19/2004 Friday, September 17, 2004 Posted 9:56 AM
Lighten Up, Steve-O MacCentral: Apple Macintosh News: "Apple shuts down iPodDownload" Why can't Apple just leave well enough alone. This little plugin iPodDownload is something that should actually be bundled with an iPod. That a third-party developer had to come up with it is a shame, and the fact that he was giving it away, noble. Apple's heavy handed attempts to thwart any kind of file sharing other than its own lame Fairplay is as disingenuous as the little stickers they put on all their iPods: Don't Steal Music, as if anyone buying a 40 Gigabyte iPod is going to only rip their own discs, and buy singles from Apple at a buck a piece! As if! Posted 9:53 AM
Johnny was good... I'll have more to say about the life and death of Johnny Ramone, sometime soon. I need more time to absorb the very idea that all the founding members of my favorite rock band ever, are no longer here. I'm sad. Rest in peace, John Cummings. See you on the flip side... Thursday, September 09, 2004 Posted 1:39 PM
...And They Probably Resent the Toilet Seat Being Up Too, but that will take more funding. YATSASS!! "Dads Make Mom Grumpy by Snoozing While Baby Cries"
Wed Sep 8, 2004 07:05 PM ET LONDON (Reuters) Half of British fathers either continue to doze or pretend to be asleep when their babies cry during the night, making many mothers resentful, a survey released on Thursday shows. In addition to the 52 percent of dads who do not get up with their wailing children, a further 22 percent only get up after their partner has already crawled out of bed...The lack of support leaves six in 10 mothers feeling bitter toward their partners."
As Capt. Louis Renault once exclaimed, "I am shocked!"
Shocked that this information required a survey. Thankfully it was conducted by a magazine, and thus not at public expense. Nonetheless, it would seem that quantifying the percentage of resentment is a bit of a waste of time. Anecdotal evidence is probably all that is needed. And, based on such evidence, I'd say that quite a few more than 50% of the dads fake, and that if only 6 in 10 mothers feel "bitter" than the other 4 must feel outright hate and contempt. Of course, my results are not based on any kind of scientific study... Monday, September 06, 2004 Posted 10:31 PM
Does Anything Else Need to Be Said In Defense of Hating The Yankees? Yahoo! Sports - MLB - Yankees ask for forfeit as Devil Rays fail to arrive on time: "Yankees ask for forfeit as Devil Rays fail to arrive on time" They, um, I think, had a little rain down there... Sunday, September 05, 2004 Posted 8:27 PM
Labor Day Weekend Musings Do the macho types on motorcycles with those loud, attention getting straight pipes, compensate for small, limp, ridicule earning ones elsewhere? Do they not wear helmets because that would be like wearing a raincoat in the shower? Wednesday, September 01, 2004 Posted 1:47 PM
YATSASS: Well, Squeeze my Lemons! Sperm Levels Drop with Frequent Ejaculation NEW YORK (Reuters Health) "The more a man ejaculates each week, the lower his sperm levels fall, new research shows...." Just published in the medical journal Fertility and Sterility, Lead author Dr. Elisabeth Carlsen from Rigshospitalet in Copenhagen appears to be quite surprised by the results, explaining that much remained "unexplained."
So Doc Liz, lemme see if I can 'splain it to ya, and save a few Krøners for Queen Margarethe. It's kind like a lemonade stand. Ya with me so far? Vidunderlige! So, when you get busy (ikke pun i betjent!) yer pourin' out a lot of juice. And see, the faster you pour out the juice, the less juice ya got left to pour out, even if yer squeezin' lemons as fast as ya can. Gå ud fra? Great! Eventually, when, ah, the business slows down... you can catch up on refillin' the old pitcher. Any time you have more questions like this one, you don't need to spend 16 months watching guys slår den kød, just give me a holler. Posted 9:26 AM
YATSASS: I Think This Gets Filed Under "No Shit, Sherlock!" Knowing if Partner Is Faithful Predicts STD Risk "NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Young adults who don't know whether or not their new partner is having sex with other people appear to at higher risk of sexually transmitted diseases, new research reports." I'm kind of thick, Doc, so help me out. If I understand what you're telling me here, then what you're saying is that if two people who do not have VD, um... fish in a private pond, as it were, they have a better chance of, um, not hauling in unwanted crabs or Chlams than a couple where one partner may be, let's say, fishing in foreign waters? I don't mean to be rude, but I hope you didn't spend a lot of your time or my money figuring this out. Isn't this kind of what every embarrassed Gym teacher has been telling every embarrassed kid in every 7th grade sex-ed class since the very beginning of time? But maybe I'm being too harsh. This study also brings us some sage, quasi-moral advice: "It is important to ask your partner if they have other partners, and to keep using condoms beyond the first few months of your partnership until you have established the communication, trust, and intimacy to be sure you know what your partner is doing," Dr. Pamina Gorbach of UCLA advised. Jeepers, call me Dr. Elders, but maybe you could do without condoms, and anything that might call for their need until you have established "...communication, trust, and intimacy?"
And also, unexplained in the study, is why this pertains only to young people, and not all sexually reproducing animals on the planet. I think the answer to that question may call for another study. © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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