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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Monday, October 25, 2004 Posted 1:11 AM
  In case you thought my story about the ribbons was way out of line... Fake Gucci Bags Fund Terrorism?: Fri Oct 22,10:06 AM ET ROME (Reuters) - Before you buy that fake Armani T-shirt or knock-off Gucci bag, remember that you could be lining the pockets of mobsters and terrorists.
That was the warning from Interpol during a global conference on counterfeiting Thursday -- a crime which is costing governments and businesses hundreds of billions of dollars a year. 'When you buy for example a counterfeit watch, the money is channeled into the pockets of Mafia groups, terrorist groups,' said Jean-Michel Louboutin, executive director of police services at Interpol." So, there you go... not really much of a leap now, is it? Who is manufacturing all those magnets? Where is all that money going? Saturday, October 23, 2004 Posted 1:40 PM
OK, I Get It. They were kidding... I saw an advertisement on television the other day, where a guy drove an SUV up onto the summit of a volcano. Soon thereafter, a mighty eruption took place, with ash, rock, lava and an SUV blown into the heavens. Cut away to the surrounding area, and we see devastation. Smoke, fire, falling rocks and, yes, our SUV are plummetting back to earth. The SUV, after bouncing once or twice, drives off. OK, Cute. So far, so good. But there at the bottom of the screen was the kicker: Do Not Attempt. Really, if it was supposed to be a joke I think it would have been bigger. And really, I think anyone who needed that advice was incapable of reading it. And really, if any advertising agency out there needs a lawyer to help them figure out what they do and don't have to disclaim, I'm available. Friday, October 22, 2004 Posted 8:03 AM
More Military Oxymorons? Wayne Newton Entertains Troops in Iraq? Wayne Newton Entertains Troops in Iraq: BAGHDAD, Iraq (AP): Las Vegas mainstay Wayne Newton, belting out his trademark version of 'Danke Schoen,' entertained troops during a recent trip to a U.S. base in Baghdad, the U.S. military said... What is the average age of a soldier deployed in Iraq? Oh, I don't know, why don't we go with 25 or 30, just to be safe. Is Wayne Newton the guy they want to see?
'Scuse me, but I thought he was a boring old guy some quarter century ago. I know Bob Hope used to do this kind of thing, but he was, well..., Bob Hope. I never liked the guy, and always thought of him more as a pawn of the hawkish right with a Humbertesque Brooke Shields obsession , than an entertainer, but at least he had been doing USO shows since the time he was young enough to relate to his audience. Wayne Newton? He may have been more effective if they'd just dropped him into the middle of Falluja after telling him that Johnny Carson still thinks he's a mobbed-up homo! Then ol' Wayno would have entertained the troops: Karate kick some Al-Qaeda ass, while singing Danke Schoen until all the insurgents laid down their arms, covered their ears, and begged Allah to shoot them. I hear tickets go on sale tomorrow for the next big show: Charles Nelson Reilly, Phyllis Diller, Soupy Sales, Yakov Smirnoff and The Amazing Kreskin, with a special appearance by Tony Orlando. I hear the kids over there just love that yellow ribbon song... Tuesday, October 19, 2004 Posted 6:12 PM
A Thin Line Between Clever and Stupid... I'm sure all the used car dealers, autoglass, windowshade, body shops, carpet and tire guys who do their own radio commercials thought that they were real Jay Lenos when, instead of featuring their children, a farm animal, or some other lame idea, decided to close their spots with some variant of I authorized this commercial. OK, hah, hah - aren't you clever, you're alluding to the omnipresent political ads we have been inundated with, and will have to endure for another approximately 13 days, 5 hours and 59 minutes. (But, hey, who's counting?) But here's a point to ponder: the tagline itself just isn't funny. You need to do something with it. Otherwise, the unlikely juxtaposition when first heard would have been amusing to some extent, but after that, just kind of annoying. So, I propose a moratorium on any and all "I approved" tags unless you are attacking a veteran's war record, scare-mongering, lying about social security, or it is otherwise legally required. Monday, October 18, 2004 Posted 5:10 PM
I Think It's Too Much Sports TV... I know not everyone is from Boston, the hub of the universe, but when the New England Patriots are kicking butt from Beantown to Seattle and back, and the Red Sox are in the wild card race, the wild card playoff, and then engage in the ALCS disgrace, many of us in this locality are taking in more than the average share of network live sports broadcasts. And maybe more than is healthy. I think that sleep deprivation and work-hooky may be only the tip of the iceberg... I am hoping that this is the only reason I feel this strange compulsion to drive a truck on a closed course, while drinking Bud and taking Viagra. Wednesday, October 13, 2004 Posted 5:45 PM
Reinvasion of the Pod People Cranky as I am, maybe I'm the only one annoyed by these die cut magnetic ersatz yellow ribbons with the Support Our Troops or God Bless Our Troops inscribed on them? Does anyone remember the 70's, when over night almost every car in America had a translucent Rainbow decal on its rear window? Did anyone know what it was supposed to mean? Was there a message at all? Was s e x subliminal[abl]y hidden within? Just why did you have that stupid $1.25 impulse purchase at the Store 24 piece of garbage in your window? I hated that. How about the late 80's (before Road Rage had a name and a recovery group of its own) when suddenly everyone with progeny hung a diamond shaped piece of plastic proclaiming Baby on Board to the rest of the automotive public. Was this so that I would cut some Volvo driving granola eating sandal wearing Unix programmer some slack as he cruised down the left lane of the interstate at a steady 52 miles per hour? Half the time, there was'nt even a kid in the car. I hated that. So, now its the Support and Bless our troops magnets. Some people... no, many people actually, have affixed more than one of these things to the same vehicle! They frighten me. Now, I do not disagree with the sentiment of supporting and blessing our troops, even when they are engaged in an illegal and despicable war, but just where does the money that is being paid for these things go?  Does it help support or bless our troops? No friends, it does not. There is a darker secret to these magnets, than that held by the rainbows and baby warnings combined.
My research reveals that these magnets are manufactured in northern Afghanistan, in a company owned by one Phineas T. bin-Laden, a distant, and fairly obscure relative of you know who, who's only real claim to fame is that it was he who coined the slogan There's an infidel born every minute! That's right friends, the money you are spending on these magnets is going straight to Al Qaeda. And so I propose, that America wake up and stop funding the terrorists who seek to destroy us. But, in the spirit of giving the people what they want, and doing my best not to underestimate their taste, I offer an alternative. While the funds you send will not help bless any babies or rainbows, I promise none will go to Al Qaeda, and you'll have another stupid thing to stick on your SUV. Posted 1:45 PM
RESOLVED: Death, P in P, Flipping or reading a nice book are not options... RESOLVED: At 9:00 PM this evening, you must watch broadcast network television. You have only one television. Once tuned to a channel, it can not be retuned until the selected program has run in its entirety. NBC: Presidential Debate CBS: Presidential Debate ABC: Presidential Debate PBS: Presidential Debate WB: The Mountain UPN: Kevin Hill Fox: Major League Baseball (Red Sox at Yankees, Martinez v. Lieber) 1. What will you do, and why? 2. If you will choose Presidential Debate or Major League Baseball (Red Sox at Yankees, Martinez v. Lieber), which do you expect to be more: a) informative b) entertaining and/or c) violent Please explain your answer and defend your position from the anticipated rebuttals. Any attempt at linguistic evasion will result in a grade of zero Saturday, October 09, 2004 Posted 11:54 PM
Live From New York... It's Saturday Night ... Plagiarism... I had heard that I missed quite a good spoof on the presidential debate last week on Saturday Night Live. So, I was careful to tune in tonight in time to see the opening sketch. I was disappointed. Not only did the actors bear no physical resemblance to their counterparts, but they had only the most feeble ability embody their physical or speech mannerisms. But, the most upsetting aspect of the entire skit was that I was left unsure if much, if anything, in the presentation was original. For the most part, the actors merely repeated actual lines which had originally been spoken by the candidates. Not only was I offended by NBC passing off this copied material as original, but also, as everyone is well aware, it was much funnier the first time. Friday, October 08, 2004 Posted 8:25 PM
Did I miss the joke? Why do the Boston Red Sox have a collection of some of the ugliest beards in all of Major League Base... No. In all the world? Very few beards are more ugly, and the ugliness quotient on the Red Sox probably outpaces any other recognized group of people, including Chassidim, Homeless men, and circus freaks. Did the guys get together and decide to have an ugly beard contest? Wait! David Ortiz just this moment hit a homerun to ice the series. He's clean shaven. Oh, my, this does not look good for the Red Sox... They've won 8 to 6, and swept the Angels. Remember! The only way the Red Sox can win the World Series is if, no matter what, you don't ever believe, not even for a nanosecond, that they even have a chance. Please do not jump out of your seat, yell loudly, have a drink in celebration, or even smile. Just go about your business. Watch the debate. With apologies to the late, great Tug McGraw: Ya gotta not believe! Wednesday, October 06, 2004 Posted 2:01 PM
See John. See Dick. See Dick sneer. See Dick scoff. Sneer Dick, Sneer! See John smile... I found Vice President Cheney's complete failure to contain his contempt for Senator John Edwards to be reprehensible. He may feel any way he chooses to feel, (and Lord knows, contempt for a personal injury lawyer may well be an appropriate feeling) but I expect a more dignified demeanor from a diplomat. I wonder if he sneers and scoffs at world leaders he deems to be "beneath him." Between Cheney's virulent nastiness and Bush's bemused befuddlement, confused facts [sic], and conclusions reached without any credible evidence or reality, it is barely necessary to examine the actual issues that divide the tickets. One Question for Today: Do you want stupid and mean men running your country? Not necessarily the Kennedy School of Government analysis which might be more responsible, I know, but today I feel like looking at things through Dubya's eyes: y'know... jess kinda' down-home and simple like... Friday, October 01, 2004 Posted 5:16 PM
New Rant & Rave Discussion Group! As part of the option to receive email posts whenever I exclaim or utter, you will also have the ability to exclaim and utter back at me, as well as all others who respond or subscribe to our group. Basically, for those who are 'net savvy, it is an unmoderated mailing list. For those who ain't: whatever you send to the group will go to all members of the group, and will also be readable on the web, at Topica As for unmoderated, let's put it this way - you are free to criticize my ideas, or the ideas of the other list members. Ad Hominem (personal attacks) will not be tolerated, and are the surest way to get yourself kicked off the list. The only other rule is Watch yer effin' mouth. Fer $4|† sake there's kids around here! You can goof around, but any obscenity (deemed to be that which I know when I see...) or profanity/vulgarity (worse than my own) will also result in a punt more effective than any of Ken Walter's. [2] Have fun and give it a try. If you haven't been already been invited, sign up here! Just look for the sign-up form down to the left. And don't forget, you can always unsubscribe if you really hate it. The info on how to unsubscribe is included in every message. Maybe we'll get some fun discussion going. The topics are fairly limitless. Post something interesting and it may appear here on the site. Rule Number 3: There is no Rule 3. More info here Posted 3:53 PM
New-Klee-R, N O R T H K O R E A George W. Bush's stupid and annoying pronunciation of "nuclear," as "nuke-U-ler" has been much ridiculed and commented upon, by me and others. But, after last night's presidential debate, in which he did it yet again, it all became newly clear: It is this very same stubborn insistence on doing what he wants to do, in the face of overwhelming evidence that he is wrong, that has got us in the Iraq quagmire, and still not facing down international terrorism and the North Korean nuclear threat. Dubya can call it flip-flopping; John Kerry and many other clear thinking Americans will call it reassessing a situation in the face of new information, and changing strategy, tactics or beliefs to accomodate the change. At least I hope he can call it "flip-flopping;" Maybe he'll have his own way of saying it... © 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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