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A fair and balanced compendium of spontaneous exclamations and excited utterances, with 22 entries on the front page. And, now, Home of the YATSASS™ Reports Yet Another True Story About Stupid Studies: • Breathing Bus Exhaust is Stressful • Depressed People May Take Drugs To Feel Better • Smart healthy people choose foods more wisely than stupid drunks • Stressed Out Moms Think Their Babies Are Annoying • People Are Groggy When They Wake Up • Airport Screeners Probably Can't Stop Spread of SARS & Flu • Study on Studies Yields Disappointment! • Lengthy Study with No Findings! A perfect YATSASS! • Making Fun Of Fat Kids Depresses Them • Drinking Highly Sugared Beverages Can Make You Fat! • Americans Prefer Safe & Effective Drugs to Unproven and Dangerous Ones • Study Shows Poor & Homeless Drink More Malt Liquor • Study on People in Studies Yields Predictable Answers, But Also Raises New Questions • Women Don't Like Getting Up to Feed the Newborn While Their Husbands Sleep Like Babies • Sperm Levels Drop With Frequent Ejaculation • People Who Don't Screw Around Get Less Clap • Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs • People Who Eat A Proper Diet are Healthier and Thinner • People who don't wet their pants feel better than people who do • Maybe Left Handed Winter Babies have More Brain Cancer, Maybe Not... • People who had nose jobs and people who didn't both like the same kind of noses • People pass more gas when they are active • Kids who spend too much time reading will get headaches • People who get drunk think others are more attractive than they do when they're sober In the old days, My thoughts were more coherent, and I could string together whole sequences of actual paragraphs! Those essays can be found here for those so interested.
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Monday, June 01, 2009 Posted 11:55 AM
  But the fat ass on the Pringles can is pushing it... (Reuters) - Cigarette packages should show graphic images of yellow teeth, blackened gums, protruding neck tumors and bleeding brains to alert smokers to their disease risks, the World Health Organization said on Friday. Friday, April 24, 2009 Posted 7:22 AM
Shaken and Stirred Apple has not only removed the Babyshaker app from its iPhone App Store but also "apologized" for having made it available. Babyshaker, a 99¢ game, asked iPhone users to see how long they could endure the crying of a cute baby, and players were able to silence the child by shaking the phone. According to the Associated Press: Deeply offensive? Beyond doubt. Banned? What? Are the Taliban now running my favorite compu... my favorite company? As far as I can tell, no real babies have been hurt in the development, sale or use of this application. In the meantime, Apple thinks its fine for me to engage in organized crime ( Thursday, April 16, 2009 Posted 1:50 PM
Test of mobile blogging capability Tuesday, January 20, 2009 Posted 12:05 PM
My fellow Americans... ...our long national nightmare is over. Thursday, December 18, 2008 Posted 12:26 PM
YATSASS: Oliver Twist Was Well Fed According to Pediatric dietician Sue Thornton of Northampton General Hospital, as published in the British Medical Journal: LONDON (Reuters) - Oliver Twist wouldn't have needed any more gruel in real life, scientists said on Thursday. The picture painted by Charles Dickens of starvation rations in an 1830s workhouse north of London is wide of mark, according to an analysis of menus and other historical evidence. In other fictional dietary studies, researchers have discovered that Jack Sprat was actually lactose intolerant, and frequently enjoyed bacon cheese burgers. His distress was, in fact, caused by the cheese. Mrs. Spratt could eat lean, but merely chose not to after having had a horrible gustatory experience with some fat-free mozzarella in her mother's lasagna when she was a child. Given the limited number of food staples used, the workhouse diet was certainly dreary, but it was adequate," they concluded. Too bad they couldn't have perked it up with some razzleberry dressing, but literary scholars insist that said condiment was not available in Dickens' time, despite many recollections to the contrary. Sunday, December 14, 2008 Posted 9:13 AM
Report: McCartney says he's the political Beatle Well, who knew? And, all these years later, are we to believe this? According to England's Sunday Times: Paul McCartney claims that he was the real politicized figure in The Beatles, not John Lennon, according to an interview published Sunday. McCartney was quoted as saying it was he who first raised concerns over the Vietnam war within the group and advocated their anti-war stance. In other music news, Paul Stanley claims that his tongue is longer than Gene Simmons' tongue, Peter Tork has revealed that Mickey was actually the "dumb one," and the J.B.'s musical director, Fred Wesley has disclosed that he worked harder than anyone in the group, and that it was his own remarkable effort that inspired James Brown's eventual exertions. Tuesday, December 09, 2008 Posted 10:50 PM
Pay the Man. It doesn't take a musicologist to recognize a distinct similarity between guitar virtuoso Joe Satriani's Is There Life in Space and Coldplay's Viva La Vida. Just visit Youtube and listen. The similarity is almost as amazing as the fact that someone in the Coldplay camp didn't convince Mr. Martin and friends to quietly settle this instead of facing the spectacle of a plagiarism/infringement lawsuit in the same week that the song has been nominated for the Song of the Year Grammy award. Instead, Coldplay has allowed themselves to be sued, and issued a statement on their website saying "If there are any similarities between our two pieces of music, they are entirely coincidental and just as surprising to us as to him." Rumor has it that the original posting went on to say "We respect Joe Satriani. He's so fine a guitarist, but, my sweet lord, we didn't copy his song." Friday, November 14, 2008 Posted 9:02 AM
We're not using your money... 'The committee has asked whether bailout funds would be spent on executive compensation,' said Jon Campbell, regional banking president for Wells Fargo & Co. in his testimony. 'The answer is no. Wells Fargo doesn't need the government investment to pay for bonuses or compensation. I tried this when I was 10 and it didn't fly then.I went to Las Vegas with my family. A friend gave me $5 and asked me to play the slots for him. I gave my mom $10 and asked her to play. On the last nickel, she hit it for $25. When I got back home, Karl asked me how it went. I told him about my jackpot. He asked for his share. "Oh, no, sorry. I won that with my nickel." Or, more recently when an ex-wife who shall remain nameless explained that "birthday money" was different from "regular money" when it came to paying bills. Yep, but how do you go ahead and buy Manolo Blahnicks when the gas bill is overdue? Happy Birthday, Wells Fargo. I love your shoes! Monday, October 20, 2008 Posted 12:46 PM
McGraw book on dads and daughters: It's about time I knew it wasn't Tug McGraw, since his relationship with his kid sucked, and he's dead, and I thought it might have been Dr. Phil McGraw, since it would figure, for what it's worth, but I never thought it would be Tug's son Tim McGraw when I saw the headline above, in the Associated Press Entertainment round-up. McGraw says he's found that his daughters, ages 11, 10 and 6, like coming along while he does simple, everyday stuff, like running to the grocery store or stopping by the office. Gee, Tim, that's quite the revelation: spend time with pre-teenagers. Let me know how that works for you once they hit puberty. Of course, I guess I could always turn to Lynne Spears for help with that.Says McGraw: 'Do what you have to do in your regular routine and take them with you. It makes all the difference in the world.' Friday, October 03, 2008 Posted 10:46 AM
And while we're at it, we'll help you stop nail biting, you little bastard... According to Reuters, a Malaysian couple died during a "medical ritual" designed to cure them of chain smoking, asthma, and liver disease. A relative of the couple suggested that the couple undergo a ritual which involved all family members joining forces to beat up the couple to rid them of their ailments... The four family members then smashed the couple's heads on a table and beat them with crash helmets and brooms... The 15-year-old daughter of one of the four assailants walked in on the ritual and was severely beaten... Tuesday, September 02, 2008 Posted 10:16 AM
Apple Gets Frisky Partial transcript from a tech support while the Apple Gurus try to figure out why MobileMe just stinks: Ishah B.: One moment please Rob. Ishah B.: Is this an account you have reactivated? Rob: no. sub account on my family plan. I created the sub account yesterday Ishah: Alright, thank you. I am looking into this issue for you, please bare with me. Rob: OK, I have taken off my pants... Thursday, August 28, 2008 Posted 7:33 AM
Song Sung Bl..huh-uh, cough cough  Yahoo! News: "LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Singer and songwriter Neil Diamond is offering audiences of a recent Ohio concert a refund and asking for their forgiveness after he performed with a raspy voice earlier this week." Rod Stewart, Brian Adams, Bruce Springsteen, Bonnie Tyler and Bob Dylan did not return telephone calls asking for comment. Monday, August 11, 2008 Posted 1:47 PM
Another Brick? Reuters: "L.A. may force restaurants to post calories on menus" Did you know that New York City already has such a law? They can actually fine fast food or "casual" dining restaurants $2,000 for failing to list the calories in each of the meals they offer. You know, our government just doesn't go far enough... Let's make it illegal to serve french fries unless the customer has eaten a salad. And, no dessert if you don't clean your plate. Doggie bag police could make rounds the next day to make sure that you really did have the leftovers for lunch... As Nobel prize winning dietician Roger Waters once said, "If you don't eat yer meat, you can't have any pudding. How can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?" Wednesday, June 25, 2008 Posted 10:41 AM
Close Enough for Government Work I couldn't wait to hear back from Snapple and did a little Googling. The kind folks at Diamond Crystal, the makers of Splenda No Calorie Sweetener have explained it all. Even though their product contains maltodextrin and sucrose, it is also a no calorie food. According to their FAQ: SPLENDA® Granular contains maltodextrin, a common food ingredient that adds minimal calories and carbohydrates to each serving (see chart below). Each cup of SPLENDA® Granular has only 1/8 the calories and carbohydrates of sugar. On a per serving basis (1 tsp.), SPLENDA® Granular has 2 calories and less than ½ gram of carbohydrate. SPLENDA® Granular meets the Food & Drug Administration (FDA) standards for a 'no calorie' food, with less than 5 calories per serving A cup of sugar has 770 calories. 1/8 the calories of a cup of sugar would be 96.25 calories. Apparently, one cup of single serving Splenda packets has 0 calories, but if you use the bulk package then I guess it has 96.25 calories. Kids, remember this for your MCAS and SATs: 0=4.999 and 770/8=0 Posted 10:26 AM
Overlooked, revolutionary scientific breakthrough Pondering nothing in particular as I enjoyed my diet Snapple Lemon Iced Tea the other day, I noticed that although it has one gram of carbohydrate per serving, it has zero calories. I've written to them to ask what kind of carbohydrate they use, and if I could buy them in bulk to use in my new reduced-calorie/full-flavor bread, pasta, and beer business. They have not responded. Friday, May 23, 2008 Posted 2:24 PM
 In yet another sign that something’s wrong in trademark-land, the manufacturer of a waterproof, chemical-resistant, hand-held, button-operated computer input device (a thing non-lawyers might call a “mouse”) is suing CBS, who has owned a trademark in the cartoon character Mighty Mouse since 1955, for licensing the name Mighty Mouse to Apple, Inc. for use in conjunction with its sturdy hand-held, button-operated computer input device, and suing Apple for using the name Mighty Mouse.Now, it was undoubtedly quite rude for Apple to go and name its August 2005 product with a name that Man & Machine had been using for their mouse since… March 2004. That is, of course, if Apple or CBS even knew that Man & Machine had started to market a product called Mighty Mouse, which remains to be seen. From the looks of the Man & Machine website, this outfit does not appear to be Fortune 500 material. [I especially love how the rolling da Vinci graphic in the banner has no mask and you can see the square outline as it flies into the computer.] But, if Apple can be called rude, what do we call Man & Machine? Naming a product Mighty Mouse in the first place? CBS has owned a trademark in the name Mighty Mouse since they bought TerryToons in 1955. TerryToons was using Mighty Mouse as far back as 1942. I have no axe to grind with Man & Machine and their 27 year history of making specialized computer accessories, but with this trademark suit, they're acting like Oil Can Harry. While that trademark might be limited to cartoon characters, pajamas, toys, costumes and stuffed animals, there are little things in trademark-land called the famous mark doctrine, dilution and confusion. It’s (not exactly) why a portable toilet manufacturer can’t call his commode “Here’s Johnny,” even though Johnny Carson was not in the port-a-potty biz, and even though it’s cute. It’s why you can’t sell a plush toy “couch potato” using the phrase “This spud’s for you,” even though Anheuser-Busch doesn’t sell potatoes or stuffed toys. It's why a Boston punk band couldn't call itself General Foodz. It could be why there'll never be a Toyota Kleenex. It’s certainly why a purveyor of S&M paraphernalia can’t market a “Cool Whip” even though Kraft Foods isn’t into kink. (Sorry, no link)  The way I see it, CBS owns Mighty Mouse and if they want to license it to Apple that's their business, while Man & Machine had no rights to Mighty Mouse ever, and were lucky, up 'til now, that no one sued them. If Man & Machine wins this one, wait until you see my new line of formal wear for southern gentlemen: Tennessee Tuxedos.Thursday, May 15, 2008 Posted 12:00 PM
Deena Kastor Heads to Third… international athletic competition, held every four years in the summer and every four years in the winter, in a different country, where the athletes from each country compete against the athletes from all the other countries to win gold, silver and bronze medals in individual and team sports, said competition originating long ago in Greece, near a big mountain named Olympus, from which this competition, whose name we are prevented from using derives its name, which rhymes with "bunch of pricks." According to the United States 0 |_ j ^^ I* 1 [ Committee, you can't use the word "0 |_ j ^^ I* 1 [ " even if it is to tell someone that this is the event in which you will be competing. The USOC is suing Asics for congratulating a woman who wears their shoes for winning a race and heading to Peking for that competitive event that must not be named. According to the complaint, Asics violated the USOC's trademark by posting "KASTOR HEADS TO THIRD [CENSORED]." Below this text, the advertisement states, "Deena Kastor secured her spot on the US [CENSORED] Team by winning the Women's Marathon [CENSORED] Trials to their website. It should be noted that Kastor wears Asics running shoes and Asics is not an official [CENSORED] sponsor.Asics also had the nerve to publish the following, according to the complaint: "Congratulations to Ryan Hall on his recordbreaking win at the US [CENSORED] Marathon Team Trials. Good luck in the 2008 S[censored]r [CENSORED] Games." I blocked out "Summer" because there's a chance that we may not be able to use the word "Summer" too close to "Games" without running afoul of the USOC.What's real disturbing is that the USOC could actually prevail. Trademark law, and U.S. laws pertaining to the use of the [CENSORED] name and the [CENSORED[ logo are pretty strange. Hey! Maybe we should just call them the Valdemort Games. Friday, April 11, 2008 Posted 7:43 PM
Bryant Gumbel to give up duties as play-by-play announcer for NFL Network According to Yahoo! Sports: "LOS ANGELES (AP)—Bryant Gumbel has given up his role as an NFL Network play-by-play announcer after two seasons" Wednesday, April 09, 2008 Posted 5:52 PM
Computer Taught To Recognize Attractiveness In Women Definitely early lead for this year's Noble prize! Science Daily has the scoop: Amit Kagian, an M.Sc. graduate from the TAU School of Computer Sciences, has successfully 'taught' a computer how to interpret attractiveness in women. But there's a more serious dimension to this issue that reaches beyond mere vanity. The discovery is a step towards developing artificial intelligence in computers. Other applications for the software could be in plastic and reconstructive surgery and computer visualization programs such as face recognition technologies." Yeah, yeah, that's great Doc... I love your ideas for the uses, but why don't you stick to algorithms and programming and I'll do the marketing OK? There are immediate uses that you have totally overlooked for which there is a huge demand: Some people rely on personal breathalyzers because they can not judge just how drunk they are and want to avoid OUI arrests. Some people have had to chew their own arm off in the morning in order to get out of bed without waking the skank they went home with the night before; the one who looked so much better at closing time… Now, people can carry personal beauty meters. That way, once they are that drunk, they can still avoid beer goggles/coyote ugly scenarios. I would imagine that one could set a higher or lower threshold, based on need, and then just scan the bar when the lights come on at the end of the night. More advanced models, with memory, would be able to assist you in evaluating your chances in advance, based on high, low, and mean scores… Monday, March 17, 2008 Posted 12:57 PM
$10,000 Dental Warranty!!! Sounds like a pretty good warranty on the Shock Doctor brand sports mouthguard I just bought for my kid, right? You spend 10 bucks or so on the mouthguard, boil it, mold it to the teeth and tell the kid to wear it - always - while she's playing lacrosse. Worse comes to worst and she takes a ball or stick to the kisser - loses or loosens a tooth or two - and Shock Doctor comes to the rescue. Repair or replace those choppers and everyone's smiling, right? Not so fast, Bunky. Read the fine print - which of course you can't until after you have purchased and opened the thing. First off, they tell you they're not providing any warranty for your kid getting injured by getting hit in the mouth - they're only warranting that their gadget is "free from defects in material & workmanship" that could hurt healthy teeth. Later on in the fine print they specifically disclaim any liability for negligent design - which would be your claim that it was just a crummy mouthguard that didn't do the job, and get this: they disclaim liability for defects in material and workmanship!! Say what? Isn't that the only thing they took responsibility for in the first place? Uh-huh. They also disclaim any warranty for a particular purpose - which means to say that although they have printed - in big bold letters - "maximum protection," Concussion & TMJ protection," "High Impact protection," and "Football, hockey, lacrosse and other head banging sports," they don't really mean it! Next, you're only covered in officiated games or coach-supervised practices. Now I don't expect that they're supposed to warrant that your teeth will be fine, everywhere, but do they mean to say that adult play is not included? Apparently so. Which, is pretty cheesy since this particular model is an "adult" model. I guess if you want to play in a pick-up league you've got no warranty whatsoever - although it doesn't say that on the box. But, to make a claim you need a signed statement from a "game official," "supervising coach," or "school superintendent." But wait - like they say on late night TV - there's more! If some way, some how, you manage to file a claim they can't disclaim, they limit their responsibility to a maximum of $313 per injured or replaced tooth! Not only might you think that $313 would hardly cover a cleaning these days, do the math: There's no more than 32 teeth in a human head. 32 X $313 = $10,016.00 Yep, that's right - the only way you could collect that $10,000 warranty would be to lose or damage every chicklet in the entire pack! I sincerely doubt that's possible, not even in the pre-helmet NHL days. So hey, Shock Doctor! Bite Me! Thursday, March 13, 2008 Posted 7:38 PM
Am I the only one thinking...  ... that for $1,000 an hour, I was expecting a bit more like Victoria's and a bit less like Frederick's? Wednesday, March 12, 2008 Posted 9:15 AM
YATSASS: Sticking People In a Room with Diesel Exhaust Stresses Them Out It's been a while since our last YATSASS Report. Not from any lack of studies worthy of note, but from a recessionary blogging trend here at R&R in general, but this one just cried out for attention. Leave it to the Dutch: Paul Borm from Zuyd University has found that inhaling diesel exhaust triggers a stress response in the brain. Borm and his team put 10 volunteers in a room filled with exhaust from a diesel engine for one hour and monitored their brain waves with an electroencephalograph (EEG). The level of fumes was similar to that found on a busy road or in a garage. First, how does anyone get volunteers to do that? But more importantly for our purposes, someone spent money to scientifically determine that sucking an exhaust pipe sucks! After about 30 minutes, brain wave patterns displayed a stress response, suggesting changes in information processing in the brain cortex. While I offer no comment on the study methodology, I can certify that it complies with all of the underlying YATSASS criteria, and offer the following as conclusive evidence: We can only speculate what these effects may mean… followed byFurther research is needed… Yes, indeed. Hey Paul, here's a time and money saving idea: why not head down to the Greyhound station on a hot August afternoon and ask everyone how they're doing?© 2002-2008 Rob Falk, All Rights Reserved. All Wrongs Denied. Your mileage won't vary; it will be less. | Subscribe to Rants!
  
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